Like most new moms, I want to be sure to give my child all the things I know he will need in life, including a good foundation of proper parenting which includes the concept of shalom or peace. An even better word for this is wholeness- nothing missing, nothing broken. Our approach to parenting will ultimately shape our individual parenting styles and determine whether or not we translate shalom to our children.
Thanks to a friend who loaned me some books on parenting to read in those first few nauseating weeks of pregnancy, I studied the different parenting styles early on and Danny and I both prayerfully made decisions about things we definitely wanted to do; things that we felt would contribute to the sense of wholeness, or shalom, for our son Benjamin. After learning the benefits of breastfeeding for both baby and mother, we decided we would do whatever it took to make sure our baby was breastfed. We had to overcome many obstacles in order to do this (including a C-section birth, hospital-mandated formula supplements, colic, a dwindling milk supply and more recently a couple bouts of thrush). We also decided that I would stay at home with the baby for as long as possible and if needed pursue working from home. We looked at these things as though we were giving them as a gift to our son and now knowing the high-needs nature of our baby, we’re even more determined to stick with our original inclinations.
My friend Carrie (not her real name) had no idea the gift she was giving me the day she brought over some pickles, ice cream, and those parenting books. In them, I learned about a style of parenting called “attachment parenting”. Now, you may be asking yourself why would I need a book to teach me how to be attached to my baby? Doesn’t that come naturally? The answer to that question is yes, we are biologically wired to be attached to our little ones, and yet as any other complex relationship bears out, it also takes practice and learning. In addition to learning what to do, as I later found out from a style of parenting that is almost diametrically opposed to attachment parenting- a sort of restraint method- I also learned what not to do. It became clear as I read and studied for myself, the types of approaches to parenting that would contribute to Ben's shalom, his sense of wholeness or completeness, those styles that would work for us.
Being that a baby emerges from the womb in a sort of crisis mode (even during births where all goes as close to perfect as possible), the baby needs some transitional helps to help him get acquainted with this world. The closest thing he knows is Mom- her touch, smell, sounds of her breathing and heartbeat, and if you are breastfeeding, her taste. Getting the child acclimated to these things on a regular basis can make his introduction to the world less traumatic and more peaceful. This was even MORE so the case with Benjamin. He was born 6 weeks early via C-section and had to spend the first 2 weeks and 2 days in a hospital incubator. Danny and I went to the hospital 3 or 4 times a day to help him learn how to beastfeed, to take my pumped milk to ensure the best nutrition for him by way of his feeding tube, and to give him as many cuddling and bonding moments as possible. Research shows that the more preemies are held and breastfed, the quicker their recover. And if this is beneficial for preemies, couldn't it also be beneficial for babies born on time to grow and develop to the best of their ability? In this writer's opinion, science is just confirming that babies need attachment for their sense of shalom.
So why if the research shows this to be true does our society look down on holding or wearing babies often? Infants who are held when they cry are labeled as "spoiled" and the parents sometimes are made out to be lenient or liberal parents who will undoubtedly raise brats. I have found that this is definitely the case in some churches. But just where do these atttudes come from?
As I did my reading, I read a synopsis of the history of childbirth in this country and found that the previous generation viewed childbirth as a clinical procedure where the mother and baby were both treated more like patients rather than people going through a natural part of life. Mothers were even shaved in prearation to the procedure- something we don't find today. Visitors were limited and after the birth, the baby was whisked off to a sterile nursery where they remained sometimes for days, not allowing opportunities for breastfeeding and the necessary bonding between baby and mother. Because this contributed to the lack of confidence in a mother's own intuition and parenting skills, the trend became to seek out the advice of childcare "experts" for the many decisions a parent would make in raising his or her children. Formula was touted as better than breastmilk and the emphasis was to put baby down in a crib or carrier so that parents could get thigs done in their hectic days. This became increasingly popular in the 60's and 70's when many mothers returned to the workforce shortly after the birth of baby.
However, there were drawbacks to this trend of parenting that we inherited through the previous generations. Even well-meaning parents leaned their ears to some poor teaching on parenting. Needless to say, some of these styles did not contribute to seeking shalom, peace or wholeness for the child concerned. I read heartbreaking accounts by former proponents of such restraint parenting techniques of how they unknowingly starved their babies, sending them into a depression and put a wedge in the parent-infant trust so necessary for a healthy baby which ultimately took years to reverse.
Now, I must say I am the LAST person to criticize any parent for needing to return to work after the birth of a child in order to meet one's financial and familial obligations. But in my quest for a parenting style that would suit our family's needs and contribute to Benjamin's shalom, I found that there was a spectrum, if you will, of styles and corresponding attitudes regarding parenting, whether they were implied or blatant. It is those underlying attitudes behind the teachings I wish to engage and discuss in this as well as future posts.
As one of the most important roles we could ever fulfill in this life, that of being a parent and guardian to a child, I feel the decisions one makes in regard to parenting styles is of the utmost importance. More important than choosing which school the child will attend or in which neighborhood to raise the child (after all, home is where mommy and daddy are and we create our own little universe for our babies regardless of our socio-economic status). This outlook, or attitude, if you will, is so important for laying the foundation and the way we decide to love and care for our little ones has lasting impact for generatins to come. Even for our own life's fulfillment- there is nothing more important than our consistant pursuit of peace or wholeness for our children....after all, I never heard of anyone on their deathbed, staring down the end of their days on earth who says, "I wish I would have held and cuddled my child LESS"......
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