My ehhr-haam... Special Child

A good friend of mine paid my husband and I a very big compliment recently, after Benjamin and I visited her at her home. She said we must be doing something right because our son is a delight to be around. She had recently had another one of her friends over with her baby, slightly older than Benjamin, and the comparison of her experience with this other baby as opposed to Ben was like night and day. This other baby was allowed (by his mother) to run around and even to run in other rooms (unsupervised) where potential dangers lurked. To the other mother's credit, she DID also have a newborn to take care of. When I protested this compliment, my friend said she knew that we were with our baby 24/7 and probably didn't feel like we were doing much right, but she could see it.

Whew! If only she knew! Now, of course I have shared with her some of our struggles raising a high needs baby. And I am sure everyone thinks their baby is especially high needs and demanding.

A typical conversation between me and Benjamin during the weekday while at home might look like this:

B: (fuss. fuss) Waahhhh!
Me: Benjamin, Mommy has to do the dishes. I can't hold you or play with you every minute of the day. We can't live in a pig stye! Here, play with this spatula (or anything else that's novel to him).

When we first moved to our house, I had the audacious task of unpacking, filling and decorating a 2,000 sqare foot house during the day while my husband was at work, practically by myself (that is until I cried out and a couple sweet sisters came to help me) with a 5 month old nursing baby who wanted to be held 24 hours a day. Because we believe in being responsive to our baby's needs and because his temperament is such that letting him cry it out 1) wouldn't work with him- he would just up the anti and cry for several hours on end if we let him and... 2) We believe it would be damaging to the basic trust that is built between babies and their mommies and daddies and would adversely affect the person he would become. I disagree with some of the most respected ministers of Christendom when it comes to their basic views of children and their tenants of child-rearing. Some well respected so-called experts have called children the most horrific names. I believe the opposite- that children are a blessing of the Lord. Even mine. It is the parent's job to take advantage of teaching opportunities to guide them in the way they should go...not control them through fear and lord our authority over them in an unsympathetic way.

In those first few weeks of getting settled, our son was also teething, no less. It seemed as though every waking moment he spent fussing or crying. I was desperate (and in desperate need of sleep!) In addition to all this, I had hurt my lower back and could barely lift my child. I called his pediatrician at the time. He could only offer solutions I had already tried and discarded.

I thought, Lord, is this my cross to carry? Is this why you had me working for almost a decade with special needs children?....to prepare me for THIS? I cried most days along with my child and although I did not suffer post partum depression, I was tempted to sink into a pit. Just the mere question by loved ones if we were going to have any more children would send me over the edge in a fit of rage.

MORE?!!! How could we possibly have MORE?! Why would we WANT to? Because we're gluttons for punishment?! I would give my right arm for 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep and you want me to sentence myself to at least 6 more months of sleep deprivation and umpteen more years of frustrations?

Really, some days I was beside myself (The trials are a little different now, but almost just as heated.)

I read online that Dr. Sears had written a book especially for parents like me. It's called the Fussy Baby Book. Being a fan of Dr. Sears' sensibilities in child rearing, I sent away for it almost immediately. When I got the package on the porch, I opened it excitedly and as soon as the baby was taking a rare nap, I savored the forward and the introduction on my rocking chair. When I opened the copywright page, a wave of sentiment passed as warmth over my chest and settled as a lump in my throat. Tears burst forth from their hiding places as I cried aloud....Dr. Sears had SIGNED my book.

The Lord must have put it on his heart to sign this book. I have before and since then ordered books from him and they were not signed. The Fussy Baby Book was signed by the author. It was as if the omniscient God of the universe who knows all my thoughts anyways, and whom the Psalms say knows when I sit and when I rise, has been watching my struggles in parenthood and He empathizes with me. It is this understanding deep in my heart that opened the floodgate of those tears.

And although ever single day holds its own trials and tribulations, and I may feels as though I might not survive this thing called parenthood or even be successful at it (for a needy baby does not suddenly lose his needs, they merely change as he changes), it is encouraging to know that someone somewhere can appreciate our efforts.

You Won't Relent

The following is a worship song sung by Misty Edwards on her Relentless CD. Her moody sound reminds me a lot of the secular group Evanescence and I love the words to this song. It expresses what I have been feeling in my spirit lately. Our Bridegroom longs passionately for our heart. All of it.


You won't relent until you have it all
My heart is yours
You won't relent until you have it all
My heart is yours
I'll set you as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
Many waters cannot quench this love
(Repeat)

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until you and I are one
Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until you and I are one.

I'm Having An Affair

Got your attention? Good! Because I know how the flesh operates. It starts out as curiosity, then intrigue, then gravitation, then obsession, then posession. That is the way the flesh operates. And the scriptures state that the flesh is at war with God's Spirit.

But I am AM having an affair.

BY the way, it sounds like such a nice and quaint phrase, doesn't it? An Affair. A fling. Such niceties for such an atrocity. Extramarital affairs are not nice things. They are smart bombs. They destroy. Completely. The person having the affair is not the only one and definitely not the most negatively affected. Adultery harms everyone, the children, the cuckholded spouse, the cheating spouse, and yes, even the "other" man or woman. Adulteries do not usually start out as that. They start out emotionally. They start out with one conversation. One inviting glance, one meeting. They seemingly meet some kind of emotional or physical need. But they end in destruction. Of a person. Of a family. Of a nation. How insidious is that? And yet tv programs are filled with it. It is touted in Hollywood, as a way of life, it no longer is even considered an alternative lifestyle. It's a part of life. And Hollywood so influences the world that it can start and set trends at the drop of a word. Or the flash of an image. 30 years after the sexual revolution, adultery is not even shunned or raised a brow at. It is expected as everyday life.

Now that I have gotten you to read thus far... I will tell you that I am deciding not to follow those trends, cultural or otherwise. But I am passionate about my affair. Because I relish the time I spend with my beloved(s), however radical you think it might be for me to say that.

I am having an affair with my husband. With my son. I cannot wait until the door opens at the end of the day and my beloved walks through the door and my son smiles widely, arms flailing in excitement that Daddy is home. I look forward to our conversations, even the little ones, the time we spend together every evening. When we discuss things of our faith together. Even the challenges do not seem to be too much of an imposition. I am enjoying my affair. I enjoy seeing the look on my son's face when he goes down the slide for the first time, or holds wood chips in his hand. I enjoy our outings together as a family, even if it is just to the grocery store. And the grin on my son's face when he sees Mommy and Daddy give eachother a good night kiss is priceless. Because I know for him to see his married parents show affection toward eachother brings him peace and security.

My affair may be radical by today's standards. Some people, even faithful married people may have cringed when they read this entery. Thinking it somehow tasteless or creepy. I do not care. We are living in a time when the Bible predicted that good will be called evil and evil good.

If more people would treat their spouses with as much attention, passion, care, and sacrifice, as Hollywood treats its adulterous lovers, we might wake up one morning to a different culture.

Classical Baby

Every Saturday and Sunday morning, while I take a much desired extended shower or bath, my husband watches Classical Baby with our 1 year old. This is a cute show featuring classical (and as my husband has pointed out, 1 contemporary) pieces of music set to animated sketches starring a baby conductor. Yesterday my husband asked me if I regularly put it on for Benjamin during the week while he is at work.

"No", I replied, "That is yours and the baby's thing. He only watches it with Daddy". My husband liked that. I think he partly liked the idea that he had something to share exclusively with our son and that would be something special Benjamin could always look back on with fond memories of his Daddy. That means a lot to me too. But I also see it as having a deep and impactful effect on our son in a slightly different way. I wonder if Benjamin's Daddy would agree with me. (A hint for possible midrash).

Romans 11:29 says that the "Gifts and calling of God are irrevocable". The gifts and the call that He has given to each person (and thus to groups of people, for He did, after all, organize the children of Israel into tribes) cannot be taken back by Him, even if the person or people group does not use these gifts to serve God or glorify Him. The root gifts will always be there, as long as the person is living, and if he or she has offspring, will be passed down to them. Now, a person's choices, I believe, can affect whether or not those gifts are given in their purity and not tainted or twisted in any way, for a life lived unto the Lord is blessed and one's children are blessed. But God is merciful even to the disobedient. Oftentimes, a calling that goes unheeded by a parent, will be transferred and the oppotunity to fulfill the call or destiny, will be available to one's children. To me, this shows the loving kindness and mercy of God.

I believe as a parent, I can identify the possible giftings in mine and my husband's family, and with prayer and discernment, can identify and then nurture those giftings and callings in my children's lives. It is a wonderful adventure and discovery as a parent to find what your child is good at and then become a parental steward for the gift until the child grows to maturity and then must steward the gift for him or herself.

My husband's father was in the military, but he was also a professional artist in San Francisco, during the time of the beatniks. Some of his work is still available online for viewing. His style was abstract. He was also known for constructing such complex structures as model ships. But as my husband points out, he would use actual blueprints for ships found in the library, rather than the instructions that come with the individual model. What ability and concentration that must take! I see a glimpse of this when my son plays blocks with his Daddy at night on our bed- a part of his bedtime routine. Before 12 months of age, he was able to put shapes into their corresponding holes, something which I could never do, even in kindergarten! (There is a traumatic story behind that, but enough about me!) What's remarkable is his penchant for being able to concentrate on this task for 30-45 minutes at a time!

My husband's mother (Both his parents are deceased and I lament that I never met either of them) was an expert in children's literature. She held a master's degree in early childhood education and is well-known for starting and supporting children's libraries and bookstores throughout the Bay Area. She had a passion for books. We have many of her collections. She saw how books could teach children skills, social skills, coping skills, and life lessons. She was an advocate and practicer of library readings and story-telling. I see this passion for books and stories in my baby when I break out his favorite bedtime stories. He literally LEAPS for joy!- and reaches out to grab the book as I read with abandon. His tendancy to try and eat the corners of the book, according to my observations, has everything to do with the desire to make these stories a part of himself as it does to satisfy a teething need! It is his paternal grandmother who also instilled a love of classical music in my husband which he in turn translates to Benjamin through their weekend morning ritual.

My mother is a master communicator and lover of people. She has had a career in radio for over 25 years now. If she had to work in a dark cubicle somewhere away from the rest of the world, she wouldn't be able to survive. Everyone who has met my mother says they feel as though they have known her their whole lives. Ya know the phrase....never met a stranger...? That's Benjamin's "Nonie". She is full of love and positivity. She emulates Jesus Himself with her desire to connect with people and to connect people to each other. I see Ben's love of people and sunny disposition everytime we are in public; strangers smile at him and are captivated when he smiles warmly back at them. He watches people as if watching them were a science (ok, part of his mommy in there too...I studied people, er, psychology in high school and college). But his desire to commmunicate, reach out, and be heard and understood, even by us at home I am sure comes from his maternal grandmother.

My father is a car enthusiast and a mechanical specialist. He never met a car he could not fix, or at least appreciate! And the gleem he gets in his eye when trying to teach another person about cars, machines, or how to care for them is obvious. But it is not so much the desire, as much as the importance of being exactly precise about the information, care, and procedures. And the ensuing pride when one is fixed or made more beautiful in the end. It is like looking at a master craftsman stepping back, resting and admiring his work, much like the Creator of the universe when He rested on the seventh day after making the intricacies of creation. I see this in Benjamin when he organizes his toys as best he can and makes sure he gets all of the components in their proper places, then looks up at me with a big smile, admiring his completeness.

My father was also quite the athlete, a trait which both he and my mother passed on to my younger brother. My father set records in basketball in high school, which to the time of my childhood still had not been broken. My brother is an incredible pitcher, a prospect of major league scouts in high school no less and to this day manages up to 2 successful softball teams at a time, making trips to state and national levels a yearly event for his teams. I see this in Benjamin's strength! Anyone who knows my son knows he is very strong, and potentially athletic, despite the fact of being born 6 weeks early and fighting for the ability just to breathe right in a hospital incubator. It is also a testament to the ability to overcome adverse circumstances, a trait I see in every single one of the people I have mentioned in this blog.

Then I know of attributes which are not passed through blood and DNA, per se, but the soveriegn orchestrating of events by God and the intricate threads of our lives whereby significant others come into playing a part in our very being...

My stepmother is a diva when it comes to domesticity. If you have enjoyed any of my treats in the past, or my ability to pick out your favorites, it is partly due to that fact that I am a sugar addict, but it is most certainly due to the fact that I watched my stepmother in the kitchen and the home. The consistency with which she cared for the home, her husband and children, ran a large household and did it with a sense of duty to faith in God was noted by this writer from a very young age. I believe love of home is most definitely seen in my son, every time our SUV nears home from a long journey, or even a trip to the corner grocery store. He is at ease at home. He knows it is a place where he will get his emotional as well as his physical needs met.

Then there's my stepfather. He loves people and he does it with gusto! He is known everywhere as the Candy Man because he gives a piece of candy to everyone he meets. He never had anything in the world (especially including time) which he wasn't willing to give up for someone else's benefit. And he communicates this with humor and humility. I can see his gifting being the ability to connect with every person, whehter born to privelege or poverty, he does not care which side of the tracks a person is from. I can see this trait influencing my son as well, every time my son offers up a toy to share and a huge grin doing it.

And finally, last but not least my son's Daddy is the most compassionate person I have ever met! That is why I married him. I also admire his wisdom, which he himself would tell you, came through many trials by fire. He can put himself in the shoes of any person, and yet knows the proper way to respond in a given situation. And he doesn't often give in to platitudes, but looks at the intentions of a person's heart. He knows when someone is not being truthful or full of integrity. But he lovingly if not also plainly directs them back. I see the traits of Father God in him. He has a love of the truth, which I clearly see in his oldest son Anthony who is a writer, artist, and record producer, and yet tempers it with compassion for people and circumstance, which I most definitely see in his middle son Jonathan and the youngest, Benjamin. Benjamin, much like his father, can concentrate for hours on any given task or circumstance with patience. His father does this especially if it is a biblical principle. He engages it with courage and patience until the real truth or application to life emerges. I see this every time he plays with our son. Our son listens to his father, taking him seriously, observing his father's words, much like the father encourages the son to do in the book of Proverbs. My husband is also all for helping- no matter the task, however menial others might perceive it to be, he has a faithful servant's heart.

I know there are many more people that have definitely and indellibly had their mark on what is to become my son's destiny. My grandmother Ruth, who, as her name suggests, was a friend to many and who had upwards of 300 people attend her funeral, my 2 aunts, Judy and Janice, who have certainly influenced the person I have become as an adult, and others have not labored in vain, when it comes to me and my family! And then there's our spiritual family, the mishpocah...(and I would need a volume of books for them!) Too many valuable traits to mention in just 1 blog, but perhaps I can introduce you to them (with their permission) in later blogs in a fitting way.

Whether our son ends up being a great communicator, writer, preacher, teacher, or a craftsman in the arts, music, or technology, or a star athlete, which any of these paths would be most fesible, one thing is for certain: it sure is fun to discover such traits that are given by God Himself and passed on to our posterity. To sit and ponder such is encouraged in the scriptures. Today our lives are filled with such junk on tv and internet as...gossip, bad news, happenings, wickedness, that I would rather follow the advice of Phillipians 4:8 and try to make it a discilpline in life:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is fair, whatever is acceptable, whatever is pure, whatever is acceptable, whatever is commendable, if there is anything of excellence, and if there is anything praise-worthy, keep thinking on these things.

Husbands and Wives

The following was written a couple months back for our family newsletter. We plan on doing our newsletter now about once a year, perhaps around Thanksgiving or Hanukkah. Although it might be considered old, news-wise, I still get a chuckle whenever I think about it.

My husband can be a man of few words. This is funny irony because my main love language is words (see The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman). So last night while we were getting ready to meet relatives for dinner, I glammed it up a little extra with the outfit, hair, and makeup because I get tired of just grubbing around in sweats and a pony tail all day. My husband gave me the highest compliment anyone has ever given to me. He said, “You look model-y”.

“Husbands, love your wives as Messiah loved the Body and gave himself up for her.” -Ephesians 5:25.

Go Mom's Club!

I just love our Moms Club (of Patterson). The women are involved, caring, creative, accepting, and they don't want to be merely a social club, but they want to get involved in helping our community, including those less fortunate. I joined the group not too long ago, but so far we have been to playgroups with other children my son's age, we have joined an exercise group akin to stroller moms, and we have made new friends in our new town. We keep in touch throughout the week through discussion boards and emails. We share helpful info, support for eachother, and we are becoming a strong community presence in Patterson, which, if you have heard the news outta here recently, is a necessary thing. This town has a huge percentage of young people and I can think of no better way, coupled with prayer, to help guide the youth in the right path and shape the future of our community than banning together with other moms with like values and truly becoming a community.

There is also another mom's group in Patterson. One would think that the two groups would regress to catty competition and meanness. Although I do not know the history of the 2 groups, I can say right now, there is a spirit of reaching out and becoming untied in the Mom's Club toward this other group, working together to become a strong positive force in our town.

As a stay at home mom of a baby in a new town, I used to feel very alone and disconnected. Now I feel like this is home. I feel like I have a purpose here. :)

That's all for now.

Benjamin's first birthday and 1st vacation

Our son Benjamin turned 1 on Saturday. We threw a big barbeque party and many loved ones and friends came. It went well considering I was freaking about the details and all the last-minutes stuff that had to be done. My mother rescued me. I don't think anyone noticed I was stressed. But we had fun. The kids did the slip n slide and baby pool in the backyard. It was hot. And the adults watched us open presents and watched Benji attempt to eat cake! He hated it and cried and looked at us like "Why are you doing this to me?" We did it more for the guests than anyone. I just reconciled that it is a man-pleasing thing. Who cares if he doesn't like cake. I am glad my son probably won't be a sugar addict like me and his papa. I had wanted to play Pictionary with the adults, but there was not enough time. My folks stayed around until evening and we visited and laughed, and that was my favorite part. And I am so honored that many dear friends came from a long ways away to join us. That made me feel good.

We left for Benjamin's first vacation the next day. Pleasanton fair (very hot! I colored corn pictures in the exhibit building to be able to sit in the ac a few minutes!) then to Berkeley. Breakfast at our favorite Saul's today then on to Muir Woods. The baby seemed to like the tall trees. Tomorrow we do San Francisco zoo with his uncle then on to Santa Cruz.

I hope he likes and remembers his first vacation. I have hope because a friend of ours says he remembers Japanese tea gardens when he was Ben's age.

Oh! And my FAVORITE part so far.....a grreat night's sleep!! Praise God.

Sleep Deprivation

It has been 1 year (day after tomorrow) that I have been a mother. I feel that the sleep deprivation is really affecting me. I can't think, focus, or remember anything. I eat sugar and carbs all the time. I go to the store and forget what I went there for. Sometimes I return my dishes to the bathroom instead of the kitchen. But the worst part of it is my patience is diminished. And that is what I am concerned about. My husband and I are currently working on a plan to get our son to sleep more through the night, but a recent stomach flu and seemingly never ending teething foils our plan everytime. The thing about a plan is you have to be consistent everytime. Perhaps our time has not yet come.

Having been sleep deprived for so long (I get several short naps per night) I have more compassion for parents than I ever had. I understand why parents get short with their children. I understand why moms get amnesia. I understand why they take their kid to the grocery store with stuff all over their face. It's hard.

I didn't have post partum depression. (I had hormonal crying spells for about a week). But I understand it. I am basically a happy person. I just have the grumpies all the time now. My poor husband. I know he needs his guy buddies around him right now. Putting up with demanding child and wife can be exhausting for him too.

And then there's the aspect of marriage that it's the upside down kingdom. It doesn't operate like the world does, or even the world's interpretation of marriage. It is about serving someone other than yourself. This is extremely hard when you don't even get a basic physical need met.

I wonder if that is what the preacher meant when he said "In sickness and in health".....
Hmmmm.