Selah (pause and calmly think about that)

I am suffering from a pinched nerve in my neck. It could be worse. I could be in agony for eternity. But that is not the case.

Someone once said that to picture eternity, which is difficult for our finite minds to do, we could say that the time it would take for a bird to pick up a grain of sand, carry it to the moon, deposit it, and fly back to earth to get the next grain of sand, etc, until all the grains of sand from the earth were deposited on the moon....this would not even be close to a third of the time in all eternity.

Selah. Pause and calmly think about that.

Mazel Tov to the Happy Couple

This weekend, a very good friend of mine will be getting married. It would not be an understatement to say it will be the wedding of the century.

I have known my friend for exactly 10 years now. It is fitting that she should get married in 2008, for the number 8 is the number of new beginnings. We were prayer partners for many years, praying out the heart of God for Israel and the Jewish people. We used to meet every Friday eveniing at her apartment and pray. We became great friends. We saw each other through many hard times and also through many joyous occassions. If there was ever a person I knew who was totally sold out for the Lord, living her life only for Him, it was this friend. She was also the last person I ever thought would get married. So content with her life, she seemed to me like the Apostle Shaul(Paul) in that she devoted her whole life to serving God and surrendered everything, even the prospect of finding a mate, to Him.

Now she is getting married. We love her fiance. He is an excellent Jewish believer in the Messiah. Spent most of his life here in the valley. They even knew some of the same people. Running in similar circles, their paths could have crossed several times. Yet it was bashert (destiny) for them to meet this year and marry. They will be making their vows before God here at my home under the huppah (wedding canopy). And I will be standing with her as she takes this monumental step. What an honor.

I am so thrilled and full of joy for my friend. I bless her with every good thing this side of Heaven. Mazel tov (best wishes) to the happy couple!

Questionnaire

This gets you to think where you came from and where you're going...and also what you can eat along the way! : )


What were you doing ten years ago?

I was interning at Global Outreach Bible Institute and helping to plan fundraisers for our missions trip to Russia (Oct). I was also dreaming of the day my life would look like it does now.

What are five things on your to-do list for today (not in any particular order):

1. Go to playgroup meeting
2. Bathe my son
3. Bathe myself
4. dishes
5. laundry
6. Finish cleaning the house for my friend’s wedding next week.

What are some snacks you enjoy?

Haagen Dasz Chocolate ice cream
mozerella cheese sticks from Jack in the Box (so THAT’S where those 5 extra pounds came from!)
honey sesame cashews
chips and salsa
hummus
iced mocha from Starbucks sweetened with Stevia

What would you do if you were a billionaire?

1. Pay off our house
2. Buy sonogram machines for all the pregnancy counseling centers I could find
3. Pay for the MJAA’s next shipload of aid to Israel (Joseph Project)
4. Continue being a stay at home mom for Benjamin
5. Go back to school once son enters school

What are three of your bad habits?
1. Tendency to criticize others
2. Biting my nails
3. Not completing tasks

What are five places where you have lived?
1. Gilroy, Ca.
2. Modesto, Ca.
3. Henderson, Kentucky
4. Berkeley, Ca.
5. Roanoke, Va.

What are five jobs you have had?
1. Instructional assistant-autism
2. Counselor in a group home
3. Receptionist for construction company
4. Video store cashier
5. In business for myself part time (cleaning offices to supplement income as a single person)

What six people do you want to tag?
What’s a tag? (I’m so not a computer techie! You mean like the game tag? I guess my husband and my mom...that's not 6- I told you I don't complete tasks)

Happy 60th Birthday, Israel!

Happy 60th birthday to Israel who, 60 years ago, officially became a nation. This after 2 exiles, the loss and then the re-emergence of the Hebrew language, and untold persecution. The Jews are the only people group that has been miraculously preserved in such a way. They became a nation after the awful Holocaust which sent millions of them to the concentration camps and ultimately to the gas chambers. Thank God He saved a remnant of his chosen people and gave them a homeland.
"Can a country be born in a day or a nation be brought forth in a moment?"- Isaiah 66:8

I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you. - Genesis 12:2-3

Shalom Part 2- Parenting Styles

Like most new moms, I want to be sure to give my child all the things I know he will need in life, including a good foundation of proper parenting which includes the concept of shalom or peace. An even better word for this is wholeness- nothing missing, nothing broken. Our approach to parenting will ultimately shape our individual parenting styles and determine whether or not we translate shalom to our children.

Thanks to a friend who loaned me some books on parenting to read in those first few nauseating weeks of pregnancy, I studied the different parenting styles early on and Danny and I both prayerfully made decisions about things we definitely wanted to do; things that we felt would contribute to the sense of wholeness, or shalom, for our son Benjamin. After learning the benefits of breastfeeding for both baby and mother, we decided we would do whatever it took to make sure our baby was breastfed. We had to overcome many obstacles in order to do this (including a C-section birth, hospital-mandated formula supplements, colic, a dwindling milk supply and more recently a couple bouts of thrush). We also decided that I would stay at home with the baby for as long as possible and if needed pursue working from home. We looked at these things as though we were giving them as a gift to our son and now knowing the high-needs nature of our baby, we’re even more determined to stick with our original inclinations.


My friend Carrie (not her real name) had no idea the gift she was giving me the day she brought over some pickles, ice cream, and those parenting books. In them, I learned about a style of parenting called “attachment parenting”. Now, you may be asking yourself why would I need a book to teach me how to be attached to my baby? Doesn’t that come naturally? The answer to that question is yes, we are biologically wired to be attached to our little ones, and yet as any other complex relationship bears out, it also takes practice and learning. In addition to learning what to do, as I later found out from a style of parenting that is almost diametrically opposed to attachment parenting- a sort of restraint method- I also learned what not to do. It became clear as I read and studied for myself, the types of approaches to parenting that would contribute to Ben's shalom, his sense of wholeness or completeness, those styles that would work for us.

Being that a baby emerges from the womb in a sort of crisis mode (even during births where all goes as close to perfect as possible), the baby needs some transitional helps to help him get acquainted with this world. The closest thing he knows is Mom- her touch, smell, sounds of her breathing and heartbeat, and if you are breastfeeding, her taste. Getting the child acclimated to these things on a regular basis can make his introduction to the world less traumatic and more peaceful. This was even MORE so the case with Benjamin. He was born 6 weeks early via C-section and had to spend the first 2 weeks and 2 days in a hospital incubator. Danny and I went to the hospital 3 or 4 times a day to help him learn how to beastfeed, to take my pumped milk to ensure the best nutrition for him by way of his feeding tube, and to give him as many cuddling and bonding moments as possible. Research shows that the more preemies are held and breastfed, the quicker their recover. And if this is beneficial for preemies, couldn't it also be beneficial for babies born on time to grow and develop to the best of their ability? In this writer's opinion, science is just confirming that babies need attachment for their sense of shalom.

So why if the research shows this to be true does our society look down on holding or wearing babies often? Infants who are held when they cry are labeled as "spoiled" and the parents sometimes are made out to be lenient or liberal parents who will undoubtedly raise brats. I have found that this is definitely the case in some churches. But just where do these atttudes come from?

As I did my reading, I read a synopsis of the history of childbirth in this country and found that the previous generation viewed childbirth as a clinical procedure where the mother and baby were both treated more like patients rather than people going through a natural part of life. Mothers were even shaved in prearation to the procedure- something we don't find today. Visitors were limited and after the birth, the baby was whisked off to a sterile nursery where they remained sometimes for days, not allowing opportunities for breastfeeding and the necessary bonding between baby and mother. Because this contributed to the lack of confidence in a mother's own intuition and parenting skills, the trend became to seek out the advice of childcare "experts" for the many decisions a parent would make in raising his or her children. Formula was touted as better than breastmilk and the emphasis was to put baby down in a crib or carrier so that parents could get thigs done in their hectic days. This became increasingly popular in the 60's and 70's when many mothers returned to the workforce shortly after the birth of baby.

However, there were drawbacks to this trend of parenting that we inherited through the previous generations. Even well-meaning parents leaned their ears to some poor teaching on parenting. Needless to say, some of these styles did not contribute to seeking shalom, peace or wholeness for the child concerned. I read heartbreaking accounts by former proponents of such restraint parenting techniques of how they unknowingly starved their babies, sending them into a depression and put a wedge in the parent-infant trust so necessary for a healthy baby which ultimately took years to reverse.

Now, I must say I am the LAST person to criticize any parent for needing to return to work after the birth of a child in order to meet one's financial and familial obligations. But in my quest for a parenting style that would suit our family's needs and contribute to Benjamin's shalom, I found that there was a spectrum, if you will, of styles and corresponding attitudes regarding parenting, whether they were implied or blatant. It is those underlying attitudes behind the teachings I wish to engage and discuss in this as well as future posts.

As one of the most important roles we could ever fulfill in this life, that of being a parent and guardian to a child, I feel the decisions one makes in regard to parenting styles is of the utmost importance. More important than choosing which school the child will attend or in which neighborhood to raise the child (after all, home is where mommy and daddy are and we create our own little universe for our babies regardless of our socio-economic status). This outlook, or attitude, if you will, is so important for laying the foundation and the way we decide to love and care for our little ones has lasting impact for generatins to come. Even for our own life's fulfillment- there is nothing more important than our consistant pursuit of peace or wholeness for our children....after all, I never heard of anyone on their deathbed, staring down the end of their days on earth who says, "I wish I would have held and cuddled my child LESS"......

Shalom Part 1- Foundational Peace in Parenting

In the Jewish religion and in Jewish thought is something called shalom- peace. But it is much more than just the absence of war or conflict, although those concepts are also part of shalom. Like justice and mercy, shalom is one of the central values of Jewish thought and particularly of the Bible- both the Tanakh and the New Testament.

Encompassed in this word shalom is the idea that nothing is missing, nothing is broken, and thus it is related to perfection. But it is not the concept of perfection we have in Western thought today- the idea of some unattainable status no one can achieve and so why try anyway. No, shalom is much deeper and more available to us than that. It means everything is in its rightful place, in proper order. After all, God instituted order in the account of creation in Genesis. The scriptures say that at first the earth was unformed and void. Out of chaos, God created order. And everything else He created was according to that order. Therefore, the Jewish concept of shalom is not limited to the political or social areas of life. It includes one’s physical as well as one’s spiritual well-being. It was designed to permeate our entire lives.

Many other religions teach the concept of peace as being a sort of esoteric state attainable only by a few. However, they do not take it to the extent that Judaism and Christianity do in that the core of this concept of peace is to be in harmony with God, the creator of peace itself. Out of this relationship shalom extends to all other relationships in our lives including the relationship between parent and child.

The Bible teaches us to seek peace and pursue it. (Psalm 34:14). This is a more active application than just making sure our lives are in order. To pursue means to chase down at all costs. It is a conquest. An adventure. A lifelong lesson of learning how to attain peace in our own lives, as well as in all of our relationships. And keeping in mind that shalom means nothing missing, nothing broken, this is no small undertaking! The underlying motive for such a task has to be perfect love. For without love, the greatest being love for God and one another, we can accomplish very little that is worth anything.


Peace in Parenting?!

As a mother, I am aware that even as an infant, we are teaching the concept of peace to our children. We are conveying, by our attitudes, words, and interactions, what peace, a sense of “rightness” is all about. Having a sense of order and peace brings calm and harmony to a child. If a child doesn’t experience that to begin with, how can a parent then discipline his child and correct his child, to return the child to the right way? The constant experience of shalom will instill in the child a sense of feeling right and therefore can be a powerful teacher to him later when his choices take him away from having shalom. Therefore, it can actually help to activate the child’s conscience! Moreover, having a foundation of shalom with a child’s parents can work toward the child more readily accepting discipline from a parent she trusts. After all, who ever wanted to trust the leading of someone he wasn’t absolutely sure (through years of having been closely bonded) had his best interests at heart?

This is why my husband and I try to practice attachment parenting. The trademark of attachment parenting is the close bond that develops between parent and child that is built through trust by consistently responding to the child’s needs. If I respond to my child’s needs and the child trusts me, we communicate more freely and effectively and I know my child more intimately and can therefore maximize the many teaching opportunities that life presents.

The basis for all other relationships and values that a baby and later a child learns stems from their relationship with mom and dad. If this relationship is filled with mistrust and conflict, it is certain all other relationships the child will experience or seek to experience will be filled with the same things. For this is what the child knows to be “normal” and will be what he or she tries to return to. That is why having shalom as the foundation of one’s relationship with their child should be key.

That is not to say that in pursuing to teach shalom to their children parents will never make any mistakes. On the contrary, by making mistakes, an attached child is secure enough in learning from a parent’s mistakes. Especially if that parent is humble enough to admit when he or she is wrong and to model the right way to return to shalom.

The Peace Pursuit

Everyone wants to experience peace. People go to massage parlors to get a sense of physical shalom. We eat food to make sure our bodies remain in functioning order. Many people burn candles, incense, do yoga, chant or seek out many various philosophies to seek peace. We spend millions of dollars to protect our houses and cars against theft or damage. We seek out romantic relationships and friendships that make us feel happy and secure. I think God put this basic desire in our hearts for a purpose.

How much more so does a baby desire peace, one who has just emerged from the womb, the most perfect and peaceful place on earth a human can have? (see previous article entitled ‘Just One New Mother’s Observations’). It is often that environment of peace the baby seeks to return to- through cuddling, being fed, having physical contact. Babies need this. They do not need a sleeping schedule to keep the parents happy and well rested. They do not need to be on a strict feeding schedule or learn to be autonomous at too early of an age. Often our culture places too high of value on these things. But these things will evolve and come into play when the child is older and has new cognitive skills and abilities, such as the ability to self-sooth, to delay gratification, and so forth. They will acquire these desirable traits when it is developmentally appropriate for them to do so. And they will not have lost anything pertaining to shalom in the process.

So is it important for a baby to learn shalom through attachment? You bet! For if a baby grows knowing what is the “right” way to feel (peaceful), then that is a spring board for teaching them what is NOT shalom- conflict, aggression, lying, feelings of guilt, disruption to one’s environment and relationships- and the child then can learn ways to return to shalom (apologizing, confession, restitution, forgiveness, repentance). After all, the Lord did this with the children of Israel. As a nation, He took them out of Egypt and provided for their every need and most of their wants. (Their shoes did not even wear out- that’s 40 years of wear and tear…I’d like to see Nike top that!) He taught them how to treat each other and how to approach God. He also made provisions for them to return to peace and right relationship when they departed from it.


Babies have physical and emotional needs that are often expressed in, how shall we say it, articulate ways! How? By crying and fussing. This is their mode of communication to let the parent know that all is not “right” in their world. So we parents run around and fuss over provisions and precautions to make sure that baby returns to peace! Are we spoiling the baby, as some so-called parenting experts would have us believe? I do not think so. For if picking up and holding a baby so that they may consistently experience shalom is spoiling that baby, then call me the worst of spoilers. In my book, with a young baby, there is no difference between a want and a need. They need shalom. They need peace. Nothing missing. Nothing broken. Harmony. Stability.

The Western culture in general and America in particular, has a philosophy of parenting that is different than that of many other cultures. In many other cultures, mothers wear their babies in carriers as they go about their daily business. Babies often sleep with their parents until they are past the toddler phase, and quite amazingly, research points out, these babies cry and fuss very little. In America, babies are held for awhile and then are put down in a man-made contraption, such as a carseat, swing, or highchair. Babies sleep in cribs and fuss more frequently. That is not to say that using these things in and of themselves is bad- I have carseats and swings and use them as well! But it is just that reliance and over-use of these things connotes a certain attitude about parenting that convenience oftentimes out-trumps responsibility. This attitude has often corrupted our ability to parent well.

A common phrase I hear from those critics of my parenting style is, “Put that baby down!” Or, “You’re spoiling her to want to be held all the time”. Not surprisingly, babies in our culture cry and fuss more often than those of other cultures. Sometimes there is a medical reason or colic is the culprit. However, many times, babies settle when picked up and held. It is as one mother told me, “If I knew that all I had to do to stop my baby from crying was to pick it up, why wouldn’t I?”

Indeed.

Sometimes fear of what others may think influences how we interact with our children. I know I myself struggle with this, even when well-meaning people want to be involved in discussing your parenting decisions. Yet, these other people won’t stand accountable for how WE raised our kids. I am challenged to figure out what are the best decisions I can make for how my husband and I parent and which style works best for our unique little guy. I am challenged to not just go with the flow of culture and if I find it best for my son in the long run to live a lifestyle that is counter-culture, not to mention inconvenient for us, then so be it. To uphold responding to my own intuition (conscience, whatever you would like to call that gut level feeling a mother has) over the voice of society and relatives in the pursuit of peace for my child is the challenge I face in today’s world. How I choose will affect the quality of life for my baby. If I sound like I take it rather seriously….then I’m guilty as charged.



As a parent with a baby who frequently expresses the need to return to shalom, through crying, fussing, and other sometimes annoying behaviors, (After all, he did come into the world with a persistent personality), I am comforted and encouraged in knowing that in responding to his needs and helping him to consistently experience peace in these early months, that I am laying the groundwork for a unique human being- a human being who is compassionate, concerned for the needs of others, one who will understand justice and righteousness, and as evidenced by the early glimpses into his personality, a deep-thinking passionate person who will seek to bring about shalom in the world he lives in. This gives me fuel to not give up doing what I know is good and right. It helps me to keep responding to him with tenderness and love rather than frustration and anger when I am inconvenienced or tired (as I can sometimes do). For Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up”. So I suppose I must seek peace for my son and pursue it. It is the foundation for all I desire for him to know and become.

I must close now. Baby is waking and I must practice what I preach.

Signs

When I was single, I toyed with the idea of becoming trained to teach English as a second language and traveling to far off lands. As evidenced in the article on signs which I caught on aol news this morning, other countries would do well to hire such teachers for their public works department. And as you can see from the last 2, our public employees could benefit from a brusher course too! There were some that made me laugh out loud and I could not catch my breath. We all could use a belly laugh like that once in awhile. Here are my favorites (in no particular order):


1. When carrying a parasol please be careful to get in the way of other people around you.

2. Slip carefully

3. Don't jumping in elevator. If you do, it's gonna be stop. And you must be locked up.

4. Total Life Shop- COMA

5. A Nice Electric Shock

6. Stop receiving visitors 8:30-4:00

7. Deformed Man Lavatory

8. To take notice of safe the slippery are very crafty.

9. Shicken

10. Quickly Fix the Camera

11. Because you are dangerous, you must not enter.

12. The market is crowded with lots of trucks, special vehicles, and people. Be careful not to be injured all the time please.

13. Wastern park
projection room
cripple way

14. Born to be chicken

15. This area is infested by bear (with a cartoon bear on sign)

16. Relic protected No scratch

And the domestic misspelled signs:

17. SHCOOL

18. SOTP

Jacob- the 'High Needs' Child?

Tonight my husband and I were attempting to put our baby down for bed. We have this nightime family ritual of hanging out on our bed and playing blocks with him and singing songs until Daddy has to go night-night (He commutes). Then I take the baby through his bedtime rituals that are designed to signal to him that sleep is soon expected! Of course, this is all in theory and in a perfect world, the evening goes off without a hitch. In a perfect world... Our son can be considered a sensitive, or fussy baby. Some people like to use the term “high needs” to describe their fussy babies. Some babies just come out of the womb complaining! After Benjamin was born, I thought I was reaping what I had sown. I thought God was punishing me for all the complaining I had done, especially to Him. Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my baby! But the high needs child does take an extreme amount of energy and creative parenting, especially in the first year of life. They require more cuddling (on their terms and how THEY like it, not how you think they want to be held!), they require more and longer nursing sessions, and as if things weren’t challenging enough already, they require LESS sleep!

Because demanding babies are so because of their personalities and temperaments, many moms report knowing they would soon have their hands full while the baby was yet in the womb. This was the case with ours. At about 5 months into the pregnancy, he decided to turn the wrong way (breech) and constantly poked his head into my ribcage. He always woke between 3am and 5am to kick me. He would wake up and move around if I had to get up and go to the restroom (which was frequently). At 24 weeks along, I started having contractions and had to be admitted to the hospital so they could give me medication to try and stop the delivery. I had to do this twice. Then 6 weeks before my due date, I rolled over in bed and Benjamin kicked me and instantly my water broke. Being that he was still breech (I was scheduled to have him turned 3 weeks later), my husband rushed me to the hospital to have a C-section. Once they pulled him out, there was a commotion in the delivery room. When I asked the nurse what was going on, she said the baby peed on the doctors!! It was as if he was saying, “I’ll take life on my own terms!”

Tonight I asked my husband if he would like to have a mini-midrash session. A midrash is a Jewish concept and it involves discussion of Torah (the Bible) and sometimes there is debating and you may even try to “win over your brother” to your point of view, which can make for some lively discussion. The term midrash means "investigation". As believers, it is a good exercise because it causes us to engage ourselves with what the Bible has to say as we wrestle with how it applies to our daily lives. Tonight, the topic I suggested was a personal theory I have: Jacob (who was later named Israel by God and became one of the patriarchs of the Jewish people) was a high need child! I only had the beginnings of a case and it went something like this:
The Bible says that while Rebeccah was pregnant with the twins Jacob and Esau, they jostled around inside of her. So much so, the Genesis account says, that she “despaired of living”! Ahh, the beginnings of Jewish mother-guilt! It also says that when they were born, Esau was born first and that Jacob grabbed the heel of Esau his brother. (Thus he was named Yaakov-Hebrew for Jacob, meaning supplanter). Now that is one determined little baby! (BTW, my husband also said he heard a theory that Esau was actually trying to crush the head of Jacob, in an attempt to nullify the promise of Abraham passed down to his children’s children, for the promise of the Holy Land was given ultimately through Isaac, then Jacob, although Jacob was not the firstborn of Isaac. I thought this was interesting and deserves further investigation).

The second reason why I think Jacob was a sensitive, high needs child is because the Bible says he stayed close to the tents while his brother Esau was a sportsman always out hunting game. Staying close to home-close to Mommy and Daddy. That sounds like my Ben! So attached to us is he that he fusses if I leave his sight to use the restroom! Some child experts believe that these babies so need a high level of touch and bonding and that is why they seem overdependant on their parents, but in fact, they end up later being more secure and independent than their peers. The idea is that in order for one to learn to become independent, one must first learn to be dependant.

And the final reason I think Jacob was a high needs child is because high needs children are often strong willed in their personalities….the hallmark of a leader. They don’t give up easily (it is a good thing God answered my prayer for my baby in the womb that he would have an overcoming spirit! He would need it to overcome the challenges presented to him by living in a hard hospital incubator for the first 2 weeks of his life). This is the defining characteristic of Jacob. He was always overcoming something. He overcame the fact that his father was about to give the blessing of the firstborn and thus the promised land to his older brother (O.k., some scholars have been hard on Jacob and especially in his mother for helping to deceive his father into thinking he was his brother in order to receive the blessing). He also overcame having to work for Uncle Laban for so many years so he could win Rachel. But the Bible says that Jacob wrestled the angel of the Lord. Thus God named him Israel (Hebrew for ‘one who wrestles with God’.) To wrestle with God- the maker of Heaven and earth? Now that takes chutzpah!
I know I can often tend to get tired out from my active high need child. But when I think about the big picture and how my investment in my child will one day pay off, I can only be thankful for if my midrash theory holds true, I know he is in good company!