In the Jewish religion and in Jewish thought is something called shalom- peace. But it is much more than just the absence of war or conflict, although those concepts are also part of shalom. Like justice and mercy, shalom is one of the central values of Jewish thought and particularly of the Bible- both the Tanakh and the New Testament.
Encompassed in this word shalom is the idea that nothing is missing, nothing is broken, and thus it is related to perfection. But it is not the concept of perfection we have in Western thought today- the idea of some unattainable status no one can achieve and so why try anyway. No, shalom is much deeper and more available to us than that. It means everything is in its rightful place, in proper order. After all, God instituted order in the account of creation in Genesis. The scriptures say that at first the earth was unformed and void. Out of chaos, God created order. And everything else He created was according to that order. Therefore, the Jewish concept of shalom is not limited to the political or social areas of life. It includes one’s physical as well as one’s spiritual well-being. It was designed to permeate our entire lives.
Many other religions teach the concept of peace as being a sort of esoteric state attainable only by a few. However, they do not take it to the extent that Judaism and Christianity do in that the core of this concept of peace is to be in harmony with God, the creator of peace itself. Out of this relationship shalom extends to all other relationships in our lives including the relationship between parent and child.
The Bible teaches us to seek peace and pursue it. (Psalm 34:14). This is a more active application than just making sure our lives are in order. To pursue means to chase down at all costs. It is a conquest. An adventure. A lifelong lesson of learning how to attain peace in our own lives, as well as in all of our relationships. And keeping in mind that shalom means nothing missing, nothing broken, this is no small undertaking! The underlying motive for such a task has to be perfect love. For without love, the greatest being love for God and one another, we can accomplish very little that is worth anything.
Peace in Parenting?!
As a mother, I am aware that even as an infant, we are teaching the concept of peace to our children. We are conveying, by our attitudes, words, and interactions, what peace, a sense of “rightness” is all about. Having a sense of order and peace brings calm and harmony to a child. If a child doesn’t experience that to begin with, how can a parent then discipline his child and correct his child, to return the child to the right way? The constant experience of shalom will instill in the child a sense of feeling right and therefore can be a powerful teacher to him later when his choices take him away from having shalom. Therefore, it can actually help to activate the child’s conscience! Moreover, having a foundation of shalom with a child’s parents can work toward the child more readily accepting discipline from a parent she trusts. After all, who ever wanted to trust the leading of someone he wasn’t absolutely sure (through years of having been closely bonded) had his best interests at heart?
This is why my husband and I try to practice attachment parenting. The trademark of attachment parenting is the close bond that develops between parent and child that is built through trust by consistently responding to the child’s needs. If I respond to my child’s needs and the child trusts me, we communicate more freely and effectively and I know my child more intimately and can therefore maximize the many teaching opportunities that life presents.
The basis for all other relationships and values that a baby and later a child learns stems from their relationship with mom and dad. If this relationship is filled with mistrust and conflict, it is certain all other relationships the child will experience or seek to experience will be filled with the same things. For this is what the child knows to be “normal” and will be what he or she tries to return to. That is why having shalom as the foundation of one’s relationship with their child should be key.
That is not to say that in pursuing to teach shalom to their children parents will never make any mistakes. On the contrary, by making mistakes, an attached child is secure enough in learning from a parent’s mistakes. Especially if that parent is humble enough to admit when he or she is wrong and to model the right way to return to shalom.
The Peace Pursuit
Everyone wants to experience peace. People go to massage parlors to get a sense of physical shalom. We eat food to make sure our bodies remain in functioning order. Many people burn candles, incense, do yoga, chant or seek out many various philosophies to seek peace. We spend millions of dollars to protect our houses and cars against theft or damage. We seek out romantic relationships and friendships that make us feel happy and secure. I think God put this basic desire in our hearts for a purpose.
How much more so does a baby desire peace, one who has just emerged from the womb, the most perfect and peaceful place on earth a human can have? (see previous article entitled ‘Just One New Mother’s Observations’). It is often that environment of peace the baby seeks to return to- through cuddling, being fed, having physical contact. Babies need this. They do not need a sleeping schedule to keep the parents happy and well rested. They do not need to be on a strict feeding schedule or learn to be autonomous at too early of an age. Often our culture places too high of value on these things. But these things will evolve and come into play when the child is older and has new cognitive skills and abilities, such as the ability to self-sooth, to delay gratification, and so forth. They will acquire these desirable traits when it is developmentally appropriate for them to do so. And they will not have lost anything pertaining to shalom in the process.
So is it important for a baby to learn shalom through attachment? You bet! For if a baby grows knowing what is the “right” way to feel (peaceful), then that is a spring board for teaching them what is NOT shalom- conflict, aggression, lying, feelings of guilt, disruption to one’s environment and relationships- and the child then can learn ways to return to shalom (apologizing, confession, restitution, forgiveness, repentance). After all, the Lord did this with the children of Israel. As a nation, He took them out of Egypt and provided for their every need and most of their wants. (Their shoes did not even wear out- that’s 40 years of wear and tear…I’d like to see Nike top that!) He taught them how to treat each other and how to approach God. He also made provisions for them to return to peace and right relationship when they departed from it.
Babies have physical and emotional needs that are often expressed in, how shall we say it, articulate ways! How? By crying and fussing. This is their mode of communication to let the parent know that all is not “right” in their world. So we parents run around and fuss over provisions and precautions to make sure that baby returns to peace! Are we spoiling the baby, as some so-called parenting experts would have us believe? I do not think so. For if picking up and holding a baby so that they may consistently experience shalom is spoiling that baby, then call me the worst of spoilers. In my book, with a young baby, there is no difference between a want and a need. They need shalom. They need peace. Nothing missing. Nothing broken. Harmony. Stability.
The Western culture in general and America in particular, has a philosophy of parenting that is different than that of many other cultures. In many other cultures, mothers wear their babies in carriers as they go about their daily business. Babies often sleep with their parents until they are past the toddler phase, and quite amazingly, research points out, these babies cry and fuss very little. In America, babies are held for awhile and then are put down in a man-made contraption, such as a carseat, swing, or highchair. Babies sleep in cribs and fuss more frequently. That is not to say that using these things in and of themselves is bad- I have carseats and swings and use them as well! But it is just that reliance and over-use of these things connotes a certain attitude about parenting that convenience oftentimes out-trumps responsibility. This attitude has often corrupted our ability to parent well.
A common phrase I hear from those critics of my parenting style is, “Put that baby down!” Or, “You’re spoiling her to want to be held all the time”. Not surprisingly, babies in our culture cry and fuss more often than those of other cultures. Sometimes there is a medical reason or colic is the culprit. However, many times, babies settle when picked up and held. It is as one mother told me, “If I knew that all I had to do to stop my baby from crying was to pick it up, why wouldn’t I?”
Indeed.
Sometimes fear of what others may think influences how we interact with our children. I know I myself struggle with this, even when well-meaning people want to be involved in discussing your parenting decisions. Yet, these other people won’t stand accountable for how WE raised our kids. I am challenged to figure out what are the best decisions I can make for how my husband and I parent and which style works best for our unique little guy. I am challenged to not just go with the flow of culture and if I find it best for my son in the long run to live a lifestyle that is counter-culture, not to mention inconvenient for us, then so be it. To uphold responding to my own intuition (conscience, whatever you would like to call that gut level feeling a mother has) over the voice of society and relatives in the pursuit of peace for my child is the challenge I face in today’s world. How I choose will affect the quality of life for my baby. If I sound like I take it rather seriously….then I’m guilty as charged.
As a parent with a baby who frequently expresses the need to return to shalom, through crying, fussing, and other sometimes annoying behaviors, (After all, he did come into the world with a persistent personality), I am comforted and encouraged in knowing that in responding to his needs and helping him to consistently experience peace in these early months, that I am laying the groundwork for a unique human being- a human being who is compassionate, concerned for the needs of others, one who will understand justice and righteousness, and as evidenced by the early glimpses into his personality, a deep-thinking passionate person who will seek to bring about shalom in the world he lives in. This gives me fuel to not give up doing what I know is good and right. It helps me to keep responding to him with tenderness and love rather than frustration and anger when I am inconvenienced or tired (as I can sometimes do). For Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up”. So I suppose I must seek peace for my son and pursue it. It is the foundation for all I desire for him to know and become.
I must close now. Baby is waking and I must practice what I preach.
1 comment:
Very nicely put
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