This weekend my husband and I did yardwork. I was amazed at how quickly the weeds were taking over! Didn't we just do this a month ago?- I thought.
As we were pullings weeds and sweating away in the backyard, it was as if the Lord were speaking to my heart, giving me an object lesson on a very important spiritual principle. The principle of forgiveness.
I saw a parallel between the activity of pulling the weeds before they choke the life out of our good plants, and a verse from the Bible. Hebrews 12:15 says (NIV) "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many".
Bitter root? Then I looked at the weeds I was having to pull up by their roots. I had to muster all the strength I could find to get some of them. Some were even disguising themselves by mixing in with the good plants. How insidious!- I thought.
How does bitterness grow up in our souls? Isn't it just like these wild weeds? You think you have your garden well tended, then one day all of the sudden....blamo! A huge weed threatens the life of a beautiful flower or fruit-bearing plant. When we are wounded in our souls, the wound scabs over, just like a physical wound. But if it is not healed and we entertain disappointment or nurse unforgiveness, whether it be toward another person, ourselves, or even God Himself, it starts to grow a bitter root. This root is bitter and it STINKS! Ever been around someone who does nothing but complains or is often feeling sorry for themselves? No one wants to be around a bitter root. Or do you often find yourself flying off into fits of rage, saying inapparopriate things in front of the kids or your spouse, or at other drivers on the road and wonder if an alien has taken over your body? Ever throw a tantrum and think you just can't stop yourself? You, my friend, (and sometimes I as well) are dealing with the bitter root of unforgiveness.
Stink Weed and its Root
Jesus said we would know a tree by it's fruit. A good tree could not produce bad fruit. And conversely, a bad tree cannot produce good fruit. I wonder sometimes if the stinky weeds of bitterness in our hearts are the thing that grows up and chokes off the good fruit and thus the good tree, not allowing us to bear good fruit in our lives. Sometimes we get into a rut and we just don't know how to get out. We think we have "forgiven and forgotten" someone or something and before we know it, there is a huge stinky root of bitterness we have to pull up. And we have to pull it up by it's ROOT (it's beginning point, or what I call the point of entry) in our souls. If we just take a weed wacker as a quick-fix and chop it off above ground, it will grow back faster and stronger. It must be dealt with at the root. I believe this involves 3 things: forgiving as an act of our will. Supernatural emotional and spiritual healing. And maintenance by walking in forgiveness on a regular basis.
Man's soul is comprised of three things: his mind, his will, and his emotions. Many people do the forgiving part from either their mind or their emotions, cutting off the weed above ground as a band-aid fix, and this is not effective. The person's will must be involved. This is good news because if we forgive as an act of our will, then the mind and emotions follow. Emotions are a funny thing. Many people say they cannot forgive someone because they cannot FEEL forgiveness toward that person. But it does not work that way. We can WILL to forgive someone, and over time, our emotions will line up with our will, and so does our mind (where the battle can become intense later). Let's look at it this way: God could have very well have decided to not forgive us (through the acceptable sacrifice of His son Jesus). He could have said, "They have offended me so badly, I just do not feel forgiveness toward them, therefore I cannot forgive them". If that were the case, we would have no hope. We would be in big trouble! But God DID forgive us, He made forgiveness available to each and every one of us who receives it through believing in Him, and what's more, because He did that, He made it mandatory for us to forgive others. Forgiving as an act of our will, despite how we feel, is the beginning of this. But there is another component.
The Healing Garden
Jesus said we must forgive our (offending) brother from our hearts. The heart is the seat of our emotional life and the Bible has much to say about this. It asks who can approach the holy hill of the Lord?- He who has clean hands and a pure heart. It also warns man to guard his heart with all diligence, for out of it flows the issues of life. If God wants us to take care of what goes into and out of our heart so much, don't you think He would have a plan for all the icky stuff (that is a complicated psychological term!) that happens to us? If God were to ask us to forgive our brother (Jesus says 70 times 7 times in a day- that's a lot!)....don't you think He would have a plan for all the hurt that was caused us? All the disappointment, hurt, and rejection?
Of course He would. He has a solution. Psalm 147:3 says, God "heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds". He Himself promises to heal our hearts! He heals the initial entry point, the root of hurt that causes the bitterness in the first place! Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that God heals us of EVERYTHING? Even when I was hurt so bad as a child by an authority figure (fill in the blank...a parent, a teacher, a boss...) Yes! Those are some of the toughest weeds to pull up...they've been growing there for so long. But God can heal even the most painful of hurts. He can replace the hole where the weed was pulled up and even make a beautiful fruit-bearing tree to grow in its place, creating a true healing garden to help other people. Isn't that great news? But He does not heal the things we cover up or deny, but rather only those we bring to Him by faith, by trusting that He will do what He says, for God cannot lie. So it is God Himself who deals with the second part of getting rid of the bitter root. The only thing we need to do is trust Him.
That's Some Serious Gardening!
Just how serious is God about this forgiveness thing, anyway? VERY serious. Jesus tells a parable (story) in Matthew 18 about a man who owed money to a ruler. He owed a great amount of money. Even so, after the man begged for mercy, the ruler decided to forgive the man's debt and let him go (in that day, if you couldn't pay your debt, you were thrown in jail until it could be paid). The man was very happy that he was shown mercy and forgiven. However, as he left jail, he came across another man whom he remembered owed him a small amount of money. Instead of forgiving the man's debt, as had been done for him, he demanded the man pay his debt and he threw him in jail. When the ruler found out about this, he became very angry with the man and threw him to the jailers. He said (essentially): How dare you! I forgave you of a large debt, yet you held this man accountable to pay his debt even though it was very small. Judgement had come upon the man for not forgiving the debt. What's interesting is that in the King James version, it says the man was delivered to the tormenters. So when we refuse to forgive, I believe it opens a door to the devil and his demons to torment us, whether it be in our mind, emotions, or to be able to rob us of our peace and our joy.
I have had to walk through the hard lesson of forgiveness many times. I had a lot of rejection and hurt growing up as a child. But I learned early on in my relationship with the Lord that if I was to be in close fellowship with Him, I had to forgive. And I am no expert yet. I constantly have to forgive someone for something. Sometimes daily. I believe we are called to walk in forgiveness and selfless love. I think of it as daily tending to my garden. I try to be sober and mindful to ask for healing when and where I need it, I forgive those who have trespassed against me, and I ask God for the grace to repent for all my wrongdoings (there are plenty, let me assure you!!). I ask Him to show me all these things in my heart that I cannot see, for the Bible also says the heart (of man) is deceiptfully wicked above all things and who can know it? But it is a very important place from the vantage point of the Lord. It is my heart...the place where I meet with the Lord daily. Shouldn't I want it to be clean and well tended? After all, no one would invite an important dignitary or leader to their home if their home were a filthy mess. And yet, sometimes as a Christian, I approach God in prayer or thought, asking Him to enter my garden which is overgrown with stink weeds. The creator of the universe!! Sometimes I can't hear him as well or know His perfect will for my life when my garden is overgrown. Those seem like dry times in my faith walk.
Sometimes all that is needed is a simple prayer to ask for His help in pulling those seemingly insurmountable weeds. It can make all the difference in the world. It can affect our own destiny or the destiny of our children or those we love. The key is to keep doing it and never start thinking we have arrived or that we are the ones who have done something great.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Islam....Coming to a Church Near YOU
I guess my post today is really a complaint in reponse to the many incidences I have seen (mostly on tv) recently where those who have called themselves "Christians" or who were raised in the Christian faith make blatantly false and misleading statements regarding their faith, as well as other religions of the world.
Every time I turn around, some actor or politician is giving lip service to Christianity, all the while praising Eastern and Near Eastern religions and saying they all lead to God. This is patently false.
In the months and years to come, we will be inundated with those who have an attitude of being enamored with the religion of Islam. And sadly, some of my friends have already embraced Islam as being one legitimate way to get to Heaven. They even use the analogy that there are many paths to get to the top of a mountain. (That's not what Jesus Himself said, but I will leave that for another post).
I'm sorry, but Allah is not the God of the Bible, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Allah did not lead the people of Israel out of Egypt. He did not give the law to Moses, and he did not promise land to Abraham, Isaac or Jacob, or to Ishmael for that matter. Allah (according to the Koran) had a prophet named Mohammed. Not Jesus. It is insulting when Muslims call Jesus a good man, or a prophet.
Not the same god.
Interestingly, the name "Allah" means "God is greater", not "God is great", as Muslim proponents have stated. Greater than whom?
This is not a race issue, regardless of what religious leaders or what the mass media would have us believe. It is an idealogical issue. The ideaologies set forth in the Koran emphasize conquest. Violence to those who refuse to convert. Those who say Islam is a religion of peace need only to read their holy book. People who continue to insist that Islam is a religion of peace (even you Mr. Bush), are playing a PR game. Either that or you are grossly deceived. And evidently, many people who want to be politically correct or otherwise diplomatic when dealing with the religions of the world, including some weak-necked Christians and Jews, are in agreement with such rhetoric.
Also interestingly enough, in Revelation chapter six there is a description of a white horse whose rider is bent on conquest. He carries a bow and is GIVEN a crown. Could this be in reference to the global appeal of Islam and the coming holy wars? I leave the reader to surmise for him or herself.
But one thing is for certain: this arguement is going to heat up even further and is going to get more and more confrontational. For those who espouse the Judeo-Christian faith for whose ideals our nation was built upon, you need to be on your A-game (I am speaking also, of course, to myself). We need to know what we believe, what the Bible says, and how to love and respect people of other backgrounds, without aqcuiescing to their ideaologies or abdicating your God-given assignment to stand up for what you believe in. That is why I say, "Islam...coming to a church near YOU".
My cousin's son was recently visiting with us. A young man of 13 years old, he wanted to discuss his future plans with me. He said he wanted to be in the military, but he could never work for a government which he hated. I told him at least his government allows you to change it if you don't like it. I love this country. Yes, even with its many problems and woes, it still remains to be the best nation on earth. Those who disagree have the freedom to say so. That is what is so great about our nation. Those who disagree also have the freedom to leave.
However, there is an unspoken war going on and it involves a person's belief structures. The very foundational beliefs of 93% of the American population is under attack by a small minority. Those who belong to a church or organized religion, and specifically Christians, will soon be called to give an account for the reason for the hope that they have. The price might very well be to give of one's life in doing so. And it may not be now or even 3 or 5 years from now. But soon. And those who are lukewarm, or those who just follow the crowd without taking any personal responsibility for their faith are at risk. The lines in the sand are being drawn. Even for those who consider themselves to be secular humanists or agnostics or aetheists. This war of ideaologies does not care what you call yourself.
But soon and very soon, no matter what you believe in...you better be prepared to give the highest price for whatever it is. I hope for your sake what you put your trust in is worth it.
Every time I turn around, some actor or politician is giving lip service to Christianity, all the while praising Eastern and Near Eastern religions and saying they all lead to God. This is patently false.
In the months and years to come, we will be inundated with those who have an attitude of being enamored with the religion of Islam. And sadly, some of my friends have already embraced Islam as being one legitimate way to get to Heaven. They even use the analogy that there are many paths to get to the top of a mountain. (That's not what Jesus Himself said, but I will leave that for another post).
I'm sorry, but Allah is not the God of the Bible, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Allah did not lead the people of Israel out of Egypt. He did not give the law to Moses, and he did not promise land to Abraham, Isaac or Jacob, or to Ishmael for that matter. Allah (according to the Koran) had a prophet named Mohammed. Not Jesus. It is insulting when Muslims call Jesus a good man, or a prophet.
Not the same god.
Interestingly, the name "Allah" means "God is greater", not "God is great", as Muslim proponents have stated. Greater than whom?
This is not a race issue, regardless of what religious leaders or what the mass media would have us believe. It is an idealogical issue. The ideaologies set forth in the Koran emphasize conquest. Violence to those who refuse to convert. Those who say Islam is a religion of peace need only to read their holy book. People who continue to insist that Islam is a religion of peace (even you Mr. Bush), are playing a PR game. Either that or you are grossly deceived. And evidently, many people who want to be politically correct or otherwise diplomatic when dealing with the religions of the world, including some weak-necked Christians and Jews, are in agreement with such rhetoric.
Also interestingly enough, in Revelation chapter six there is a description of a white horse whose rider is bent on conquest. He carries a bow and is GIVEN a crown. Could this be in reference to the global appeal of Islam and the coming holy wars? I leave the reader to surmise for him or herself.
But one thing is for certain: this arguement is going to heat up even further and is going to get more and more confrontational. For those who espouse the Judeo-Christian faith for whose ideals our nation was built upon, you need to be on your A-game (I am speaking also, of course, to myself). We need to know what we believe, what the Bible says, and how to love and respect people of other backgrounds, without aqcuiescing to their ideaologies or abdicating your God-given assignment to stand up for what you believe in. That is why I say, "Islam...coming to a church near YOU".
My cousin's son was recently visiting with us. A young man of 13 years old, he wanted to discuss his future plans with me. He said he wanted to be in the military, but he could never work for a government which he hated. I told him at least his government allows you to change it if you don't like it. I love this country. Yes, even with its many problems and woes, it still remains to be the best nation on earth. Those who disagree have the freedom to say so. That is what is so great about our nation. Those who disagree also have the freedom to leave.
However, there is an unspoken war going on and it involves a person's belief structures. The very foundational beliefs of 93% of the American population is under attack by a small minority. Those who belong to a church or organized religion, and specifically Christians, will soon be called to give an account for the reason for the hope that they have. The price might very well be to give of one's life in doing so. And it may not be now or even 3 or 5 years from now. But soon. And those who are lukewarm, or those who just follow the crowd without taking any personal responsibility for their faith are at risk. The lines in the sand are being drawn. Even for those who consider themselves to be secular humanists or agnostics or aetheists. This war of ideaologies does not care what you call yourself.
But soon and very soon, no matter what you believe in...you better be prepared to give the highest price for whatever it is. I hope for your sake what you put your trust in is worth it.
Monday, June 23, 2008
The Baby Wears Prada
There is a movie out starring Meryl Streep called "The Devil Wears Prada" and it's about this girl who goes to work as an assistant to an editor in chief of a prestigious fashion magazine. The boss, played scarily well by Meryl Streep, is impossible. She makes demands that are impossible for even the very best assistant to carry out, then verbally attacks the unfortunate employee.
Now, please let me make it clear...I do not think my child is a "devil" (the character's reference in the title.) However, when it comes to meeting the incessant demands of another person, I can certainly relate to Anne Hathaway's character of the endless frustrations of trying to please her "boss" and always feeling like she falls short. Sometimes I wonder just who is "boss" at my house. Of course seasoned parents joke with the new moms about having a baby and no longer having any control over their own lives. But this joke is ringing just a little too true lately in our household. Some people try to encourage us and say, "This too shall pass". When? Next week? Next year?
As a parent, everyone has an achiles heel. Some parents hate whining, others hate changing diapers. Mine is lack of sleep. If I do not sleep, and I'm not talking the full 8-9 hours, but I'll take even 6 or 7 hours, I cannot function right. I don't eat right. I don't exercise (who has the energy?), and I don't think right. I start to stagnate like some kind of unintelligent sludge. (That's no excuse for blog bombs, I know...! But bear with me...)
When I was in singles' leadership at my old church, we were required to attend a sort of 3-day leadership bootcamp. We went through just about everything the army puts its recruits through, sans weapons, of course. My biggest challenge was being woken up and commanded to line up in formation at 1:00 in the morning, an hour after going to bed, following a long grueling physical regimine. We had been told prior to this that if we wanted to give up and go home, a vehicle would be heading back down the mountain the next morning and we could go. When the rap! rap! rap! came to our barracks door, and we sleepily packed on our heavy packs which were required and submitted to our superiors, I said, "That's it! I'm leaving tomorrow". That night was my turning point. I didn't quit, of course, and I felt victorious on the last day when they honored us with a ring and a special ceremony. That was just 3 days of sleep deprivation. THIS is TEETHING.
A funny thing...teeth. We take ours for granted when we eat or when we brush them at night. But somebody...some parent had to endure nights of our crying and waking every hour or so with gum pain and earaches to get these teeth. At least this is the case for some folks. Then I read about other types of children who just grin and go about their business and then one day...whamo! Teeth appear. I would like to meet these come-what-may babies. I would like to know the stuff they are made of.
Every night I get ready for my "boss'es" tirades. I have the Tylenol, Orajel, and homeopathic teething tabs handy. I start with a cold wet washcloth, which is readily received. Round 1. All is calm on the homfront shortly after bedtime. Then, as I am writing this blog, for instance, the siren sounds. Waaaaaaaah! I rush up the stairs like "Jeanie" in Ferris Beuller's Day Off when she is escaping the intruder. Then I go through the repertoire: Orajel, rocking, cooing, soothing. Mommy's here. Mommy knows. Owwie. Then silent slumber at last. I go downstairs, settle into my rocker with book or remote control in hand. Round 2. Waaaaaah! And on it goes....
One night I had a dream. In the dream, I was an assistant (like in the Prada movie). Only I was assistant to a diva. Literally, the word sat before me like words on a tv screen. DIVA. The lady I worked for had us all running. Preparing for some big event that took days and days of hard work and effort. Then, when it was time for the event, everything had to be changed. Nothing we prepared would apply to the new plans. We had to be extremely flexible. Weeks after having that dream, I still think about it and compare it to parenting. No matter how much you prepare, no matter how much you invest or study, you still have to remain flexible. You are caring for another human being and that requires flexibility.
And you cannot quit. You cannot go back down the mountain. You have to stay and tough it out. Another person depends on you. It's not a mock-up boot camp. It's real life. And hopefully, the rewards far outweigh any victory ring I can earn here on earth. I am counting on my reward going on for eternity. I suppose that's worth a little "Prada" here and there!
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, " He who is coming will come and will not delay. But the righteous shall live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him." --Hebrews 10:35-38.
Now, please let me make it clear...I do not think my child is a "devil" (the character's reference in the title.) However, when it comes to meeting the incessant demands of another person, I can certainly relate to Anne Hathaway's character of the endless frustrations of trying to please her "boss" and always feeling like she falls short. Sometimes I wonder just who is "boss" at my house. Of course seasoned parents joke with the new moms about having a baby and no longer having any control over their own lives. But this joke is ringing just a little too true lately in our household. Some people try to encourage us and say, "This too shall pass". When? Next week? Next year?
As a parent, everyone has an achiles heel. Some parents hate whining, others hate changing diapers. Mine is lack of sleep. If I do not sleep, and I'm not talking the full 8-9 hours, but I'll take even 6 or 7 hours, I cannot function right. I don't eat right. I don't exercise (who has the energy?), and I don't think right. I start to stagnate like some kind of unintelligent sludge. (That's no excuse for blog bombs, I know...! But bear with me...)
When I was in singles' leadership at my old church, we were required to attend a sort of 3-day leadership bootcamp. We went through just about everything the army puts its recruits through, sans weapons, of course. My biggest challenge was being woken up and commanded to line up in formation at 1:00 in the morning, an hour after going to bed, following a long grueling physical regimine. We had been told prior to this that if we wanted to give up and go home, a vehicle would be heading back down the mountain the next morning and we could go. When the rap! rap! rap! came to our barracks door, and we sleepily packed on our heavy packs which were required and submitted to our superiors, I said, "That's it! I'm leaving tomorrow". That night was my turning point. I didn't quit, of course, and I felt victorious on the last day when they honored us with a ring and a special ceremony. That was just 3 days of sleep deprivation. THIS is TEETHING.
A funny thing...teeth. We take ours for granted when we eat or when we brush them at night. But somebody...some parent had to endure nights of our crying and waking every hour or so with gum pain and earaches to get these teeth. At least this is the case for some folks. Then I read about other types of children who just grin and go about their business and then one day...whamo! Teeth appear. I would like to meet these come-what-may babies. I would like to know the stuff they are made of.
Every night I get ready for my "boss'es" tirades. I have the Tylenol, Orajel, and homeopathic teething tabs handy. I start with a cold wet washcloth, which is readily received. Round 1. All is calm on the homfront shortly after bedtime. Then, as I am writing this blog, for instance, the siren sounds. Waaaaaaaah! I rush up the stairs like "Jeanie" in Ferris Beuller's Day Off when she is escaping the intruder. Then I go through the repertoire: Orajel, rocking, cooing, soothing. Mommy's here. Mommy knows. Owwie. Then silent slumber at last. I go downstairs, settle into my rocker with book or remote control in hand. Round 2. Waaaaaah! And on it goes....
One night I had a dream. In the dream, I was an assistant (like in the Prada movie). Only I was assistant to a diva. Literally, the word sat before me like words on a tv screen. DIVA. The lady I worked for had us all running. Preparing for some big event that took days and days of hard work and effort. Then, when it was time for the event, everything had to be changed. Nothing we prepared would apply to the new plans. We had to be extremely flexible. Weeks after having that dream, I still think about it and compare it to parenting. No matter how much you prepare, no matter how much you invest or study, you still have to remain flexible. You are caring for another human being and that requires flexibility.
And you cannot quit. You cannot go back down the mountain. You have to stay and tough it out. Another person depends on you. It's not a mock-up boot camp. It's real life. And hopefully, the rewards far outweigh any victory ring I can earn here on earth. I am counting on my reward going on for eternity. I suppose that's worth a little "Prada" here and there!
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, " He who is coming will come and will not delay. But the righteous shall live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him." --Hebrews 10:35-38.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Things Are Tough All Over
We just got our computer back from the repair shop. It had a problem with the sound. What exactly, I don't know. All's I know is my little stress reliever and my window to the outside world was not available to me for a few days and I felt lost without it. How funny the technologies and creature comforts in our lives start to hold such an important place. The flesh does like its pamperings. And now chasing Benjamin around most the day, I really relied on it to relieve stress and to use my brain for awhile to read, write, browse, etc. at night after he goes to bed. Without the computer, I was on like a little mini- computer fast! I had to rely more on the Lord to help me with my frustrations and to connect with other people. It was a small challenge. It also got me thinking and wondering what I would do if I didn't have access to a computer again. Ever. With times being what they are and what they will be in the (near) future, it's not so far-fetched. Many people are having to cut back on luxury expenses because of the rise in gas prices and the job market becoming increasingly less predictable.
In our family, we try not to react out of fear to the state of the world, but we still try to be prudent and wise and plan to provide for our family in dire circumstances. The book of proverbs points out the wisdom of the ant. How he stores his food for the winter. Each time I go to the grocery store, I pick out a canned good I think we would like if times were tough, or if there was an outbreak or natural disaster of some sort and supplies were limited. That way, I don't go all crazy on emergency food supplies, and I stay within grocery budget.
And oh, yeah... I am making a point to not spend as much money. That's a hard one. Things are tough all over. Glad I serve a God who is more than enough.
In our family, we try not to react out of fear to the state of the world, but we still try to be prudent and wise and plan to provide for our family in dire circumstances. The book of proverbs points out the wisdom of the ant. How he stores his food for the winter. Each time I go to the grocery store, I pick out a canned good I think we would like if times were tough, or if there was an outbreak or natural disaster of some sort and supplies were limited. That way, I don't go all crazy on emergency food supplies, and I stay within grocery budget.
And oh, yeah... I am making a point to not spend as much money. That's a hard one. Things are tough all over. Glad I serve a God who is more than enough.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Autism and Vaccines
My fingers can barely roll and click the mouse fast enough. I am racing through Google and and it's sea of links in a fevered attempt to fill my brain with reliable information from medical experts and testimonials from the every-mother. Images of Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carey with disabled son in tow fill my head as I scroll the web pages...autism....vaccines...heavy metals...mercury. Is there a link? Is there a cause?
My son turns 1 year old in a month. By age 2 he will have had upwards of 36 vaccines put into his body if the CDC has their way. Not more than a decade ago it was 20. To prevent unnecessary childhood diseases, they say. Could be fatal. Could scar for life. You don't wanna spread polio, measles, mumps, rubella. They all sound like foreign species of animal to me. Words like epidemic and pandemic flash across my conscience. High Immigration Area. Re-emerging illnesses. Mitochondrial disease. Vaccination schedule.
Just why do we have to stick with such a rigorous vaccine schedule anyway? Is it really THAT necessary? Freedom from diseases is touted as the biggest benefit of modern medicine since the vaccine. If FDR had been vaccinated for polio, we may have had a different president. A different history. But as I stare at my son sprawled out on his bed in innocent slumber, I am wishing, hoping, this decision won't be as difficult as I know it is going to be.
1 in every 150 boys in America today will develop autism. That number has soared correlatively with the availability of vaccines. At one time autism was a word known only amongst a small handful of upper middle class families. Not a consistent headline on the front of magazines. It has increased starkly since then, it's numbers stretching across socio-economic barriers. At one time in history, only the rich had access to cutting edge health care and the preventative benefits of vaccines. But since then, the rate of children getting vaccinated in the US has skyrocketed. So has the disorder.
But do vaccines cause autism? Many are blaming the high levels of heavy metals used to make the vaccine and the high rate and number of vaccines given at a single time. One possible culprit, the mercury-containing ingredient thimerosol, was ommited from vaccines a decade ago, medical experts claim. But that is only one metal. Amongst several in a wide range of vaccines. Furthermore, mercury has NOT been removed from the yearly flu vaccines given to children and pregnant women as a matter of routine since that time. Has autism continued to rise since then despite taking out the thimerosol? You betcha.
My search continues...
I read the comparison list...symptoms of autism...symptoms of mercury poisoning. The lists are identical. I close my eyes and try to picture my 6 year old son flapping his arms in a frustrated attempt to tell me something. High pitched scream. Then I picture him with red bumps all over his face, glazed look in his eye, thermometer poking out of his mouth. Flat in bed. Flat in a coffin. Then I relax down into my chair with my hope wrapped around me like a warm blanket and picture neither; a thick-muscled wavy-haired high school baseball player with a 3.8 GPA, a college application on his dresser, a girl-crazy smirk on his face. Could the choice that will affect his destiny really be in my hands? Is it so simple?
Just what is the liklihood anyway that a few shots would keep my baby from getting an ancient disease, or, God forbid, dying? We all seem to assume that is the case. After all, isn't that what we are told? Just what is the proof that these vaccines do what they say they do? Sure, we have fewer childood diseases in our nation than previous decades. But does that mean that MY child will get one if I choose not to inject his body with toxin-laden shots?
I don't know. I admit I need to do more research. But I know that I cannot afford to just listen to the spin and hype hurled at me from the six o'clock news and make a blindly ignorant decision. No, I must do what most people have to do nowadays if they want to remain as well as possible, not falling into the sad category of becoming one of the "sheeple", being led along by the blind and powerful organizations who bear official and safe-sounding initials like CDC and AAP. I must take my own health and the health and well being of my son into my own hands.
What is that catch phrase of that big health care corporation? Oh, yeah...THRIVE. If I am going to do that, I must "mama-bear" it. The welfare and development of my posterity...my most precious resource, my only son, depends upon it. After all, when I think about it, he is the single expression of me and my husband that will go on forever. And his health might well depend on how we respond to this issue. I suppose that deserves some further research and careful thinking.
My son turns 1 year old in a month. By age 2 he will have had upwards of 36 vaccines put into his body if the CDC has their way. Not more than a decade ago it was 20. To prevent unnecessary childhood diseases, they say. Could be fatal. Could scar for life. You don't wanna spread polio, measles, mumps, rubella. They all sound like foreign species of animal to me. Words like epidemic and pandemic flash across my conscience. High Immigration Area. Re-emerging illnesses. Mitochondrial disease. Vaccination schedule.
Just why do we have to stick with such a rigorous vaccine schedule anyway? Is it really THAT necessary? Freedom from diseases is touted as the biggest benefit of modern medicine since the vaccine. If FDR had been vaccinated for polio, we may have had a different president. A different history. But as I stare at my son sprawled out on his bed in innocent slumber, I am wishing, hoping, this decision won't be as difficult as I know it is going to be.
1 in every 150 boys in America today will develop autism. That number has soared correlatively with the availability of vaccines. At one time autism was a word known only amongst a small handful of upper middle class families. Not a consistent headline on the front of magazines. It has increased starkly since then, it's numbers stretching across socio-economic barriers. At one time in history, only the rich had access to cutting edge health care and the preventative benefits of vaccines. But since then, the rate of children getting vaccinated in the US has skyrocketed. So has the disorder.
But do vaccines cause autism? Many are blaming the high levels of heavy metals used to make the vaccine and the high rate and number of vaccines given at a single time. One possible culprit, the mercury-containing ingredient thimerosol, was ommited from vaccines a decade ago, medical experts claim. But that is only one metal. Amongst several in a wide range of vaccines. Furthermore, mercury has NOT been removed from the yearly flu vaccines given to children and pregnant women as a matter of routine since that time. Has autism continued to rise since then despite taking out the thimerosol? You betcha.
My search continues...
I read the comparison list...symptoms of autism...symptoms of mercury poisoning. The lists are identical. I close my eyes and try to picture my 6 year old son flapping his arms in a frustrated attempt to tell me something. High pitched scream. Then I picture him with red bumps all over his face, glazed look in his eye, thermometer poking out of his mouth. Flat in bed. Flat in a coffin. Then I relax down into my chair with my hope wrapped around me like a warm blanket and picture neither; a thick-muscled wavy-haired high school baseball player with a 3.8 GPA, a college application on his dresser, a girl-crazy smirk on his face. Could the choice that will affect his destiny really be in my hands? Is it so simple?
Just what is the liklihood anyway that a few shots would keep my baby from getting an ancient disease, or, God forbid, dying? We all seem to assume that is the case. After all, isn't that what we are told? Just what is the proof that these vaccines do what they say they do? Sure, we have fewer childood diseases in our nation than previous decades. But does that mean that MY child will get one if I choose not to inject his body with toxin-laden shots?
I don't know. I admit I need to do more research. But I know that I cannot afford to just listen to the spin and hype hurled at me from the six o'clock news and make a blindly ignorant decision. No, I must do what most people have to do nowadays if they want to remain as well as possible, not falling into the sad category of becoming one of the "sheeple", being led along by the blind and powerful organizations who bear official and safe-sounding initials like CDC and AAP. I must take my own health and the health and well being of my son into my own hands.
What is that catch phrase of that big health care corporation? Oh, yeah...THRIVE. If I am going to do that, I must "mama-bear" it. The welfare and development of my posterity...my most precious resource, my only son, depends upon it. After all, when I think about it, he is the single expression of me and my husband that will go on forever. And his health might well depend on how we respond to this issue. I suppose that deserves some further research and careful thinking.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Word to the Wise Part 2
Our son Benjamin is 1 month away from being 1 year old...I can hardly believe it. I can also hardly believe how quickly he is learning and maturing. Things I thought 2 months ago were an impossibility, are a breeze for him now. (He is now crawling and saying 'Dada'! He has been saying 'Mama' for over 2 months now). And while I embrace his rate of learning new things, I have to remind myself that he is still a baby and to try and teach him too quickly or to expect to much of him too soon could be overwhelming and detrimental.
It is thought (because there is no empirical way to prove it) that a child's personality is pretty much formed by age 3, and near cemented at age 5. Their basic temperament is something they are born with and their character is shaped by their experiences in life with the particular personality God gave them.
My husband and I believe that God gives parents wisdom well beyond what any expert can provide for the parents of each individual child. And there is the soverign plan of God to ponder. And, if parents are up to the task of good stewardship and are receptive to the wisdom that God provides, they have at their disposal all they need in order to raise that child in the manner which he or she needs to be raised. Of course we have a choice and not all parents raise their children properly and there is abuse and neglect that happens. However, there is something to be said for the intuition God gives parents and the close insight that can be gained from being properly bonded to your child.
I believe also that parents can glean a great deal about children and development in general from people who have studied child development and the way children learn and grow. Not only that, they can use certain principles of behavior, shaping, and the like, to help their children grow to be well adjusted and autonomous. I was a psychology major with an emphasis in child psychology in college. I learned the theories, learned about development, conditioning, abnormalities, and behavior. I even headed up a study designed for graduate students to complete their masters' thesis with...as a freshman. However, I did not have all the tools I needed for mothering until I actually became a mother. I still believe in the basic theories of development and I know they are helpful for me to learn generally about how children develop, but when it comes time to make a decision about how to raise my chidren, including the values I will pass onto them as well as how to discipline, I rely on truths as I understand them from scripture, I employ principles of learning and behavior so as long they don't contradict the Word of God, and I rely on my God-given discernement as a parent. And of course, learning and making mistakes along the journey is par for the course, for I am, after all....human.
Intuition and Conditioning- A Balance
In an episode of the 90’s tv sitcom “Mad About You”, the main characters, Jamie and Paul Buchman, are trying to get their infant daughter to go to and stay asleep. The whole episode, one of the more clever ones on tv I might add, is one continuous shot, 22 minutes of these parents sitting outside their baby’s room as baby cries herself to sleep. As they sit at door’s edge bored and torn between going in to comfort their baby, and timing to see how long the baby can go before a behavioral “intervention” is needed, they manage to find an old piece of candy, ponder life’s deeper meanings, and argue over trivial (although hilarious) matters. The thing that struck me most about this episode once I became a mother myself was how hard Jamie fought against her mother’s intuition to go in and comfort her baby. She toiled painfully against doing what came naturally to do for her baby, all for the reward of having a peaceful night’s (or life’s) sleep. In the end, their particular type of behavior management wins out and exhausted, they celebrate their victory together. I still ponder that episode and wonder if the writers were commenting on the parenting trends of that day.
I can really identify with the desperation in the characters of that show. Some babies come into the world with a temperament that is easy going and flexible. That is not our baby. On the morning of July 5¸2007, Benjamin Aviel, who was still breech, kicked me and my water broke. Six weeks early! From the start, he seemed to be screaming, “World, ready or not, here I come!” That being said, it’s not that he is always boisterous and outgoing. In fact, he is carefully observant of people. But he is a very determined individual. He had to be (and in fact, while he was still in the womb I prayed he would be so!). Turns out this trait was necessary in order to survive his first 2 weeks and 2 days in a hard ICU box, with health officials poking him with needles and forcing tubes down his throat, rather than cuddling on Mommy and Daddy’s warm chest where newborns belong. And having a high needs baby has meant that I often don’t get enough sleep, or even get enough time to talk on the phone or to take a shower! So I know that parenting is the single most difficult challenge anyone could ever face. And I know I have my share of mistakes to make in the future.
But something tells me that if I am responding in a nurturing way to my baby and my baby were in distress, I think I would side with my gut feeling, despite what the "steps" were for whatever the particular goal was for modifying a child's behavior. These are the things I think about these days as Benjamin is learnig new skills and abilities. But I have to remember that these new skills are still in their aquisition phase of learning...he has not mastered them yet. And there is still a vast amount of growing his brain has to do to in order to master what he has learned and fully understand. This is a humbling prospect, especially since something that I so desire, such as a good night's sleep, must be put off for the time being.
Sure, I could put Benjamin on a sleep training schedule tomorrow and go through the 2 weeks the experts say it would take to have him sleep through the night. But at what cost? I consider that he is teething and needs extra comforting during the night, for he might be in pain. Teething wreaks havoc on many other parts of baby than just their gums. If I were to let him cry it out for a few nights all in the name of getting him to be able to sleep like an adult, I run the risk of him becoming mistrustful for not having his mommy whom he really needs during this important developmental phase.
No, for the meantime, we do the proactive things we can do knowing that we can create a nightime routine that relaxes him and sets him up for sleep: activities such as a bath, a story, and nursing time. We know he will sleep peacefully if healthy attitudes toward sleep and trust toward his parents has been fostered. As for the trial of finding the elusive full night's sleep: This too shall pass.
Some sleep trainers, however, have tried to tell my via their teachings, that to not get my child on a schedule NOW, we will run the risk of having an overdependant child and a child who will wake up needing mommy until he's 30! So it would seem to me that the underlying motus operandi in this case is fear. But doesn't the Bible teach to fear not?
Along with prayer and guidance from the Lord for our individual circumstance as a family, we find that most parenting teachings come secondary and I hesitate to subscribe to teachings that use fear and a rigid set of rules as its basis, rather than incorporating a parent's intuition and a child's individual needs. When we don't take into consideration the sensibilites and intracacies of a relationship, a program can backfire and we will have lost the opportunity to help a little person to be all God has called them to be. After all...Rules minus Relationship equals Rebellion.
I often think of that episode of Mad About You and wonder how the relationship grew with their daughter. Did trust have to be rebuilt in later stages of development, or was the child easy-going enough to be able to "roll with the punches" of their particular intervention? (I know children are supposed to be pretty resilient, but how much of what we expect of them is TOO MUCH?) Then I think about Benjamin and how he is a real boy, not fictional, who came into the world with particular needs and particular sensitivities and how one day I will stand accountable before a Holy God for how I loved and took care of him. Did I respond with sensitivity and compassion as well as a balanced discipline informed by my conscience? Did I accept counsel from those who have studied aspects of child development for which incorporates conditioning and psychological principles? Or did I seek to strike a balance between the two, sifting through the information for myself, rejecting what is outright false and harmful, humbling myself when making a mistake in judgement, and above all, using time honored wisdom and prudence? I suppose only time will tell. In the meantime, I pray, listen, and in regards to finding my (our) own particular parenting style, I try to remember the words of my husband who so aptly put it: try not to go too far to the left nor too far to the right.
It is thought (because there is no empirical way to prove it) that a child's personality is pretty much formed by age 3, and near cemented at age 5. Their basic temperament is something they are born with and their character is shaped by their experiences in life with the particular personality God gave them.
My husband and I believe that God gives parents wisdom well beyond what any expert can provide for the parents of each individual child. And there is the soverign plan of God to ponder. And, if parents are up to the task of good stewardship and are receptive to the wisdom that God provides, they have at their disposal all they need in order to raise that child in the manner which he or she needs to be raised. Of course we have a choice and not all parents raise their children properly and there is abuse and neglect that happens. However, there is something to be said for the intuition God gives parents and the close insight that can be gained from being properly bonded to your child.
I believe also that parents can glean a great deal about children and development in general from people who have studied child development and the way children learn and grow. Not only that, they can use certain principles of behavior, shaping, and the like, to help their children grow to be well adjusted and autonomous. I was a psychology major with an emphasis in child psychology in college. I learned the theories, learned about development, conditioning, abnormalities, and behavior. I even headed up a study designed for graduate students to complete their masters' thesis with...as a freshman. However, I did not have all the tools I needed for mothering until I actually became a mother. I still believe in the basic theories of development and I know they are helpful for me to learn generally about how children develop, but when it comes time to make a decision about how to raise my chidren, including the values I will pass onto them as well as how to discipline, I rely on truths as I understand them from scripture, I employ principles of learning and behavior so as long they don't contradict the Word of God, and I rely on my God-given discernement as a parent. And of course, learning and making mistakes along the journey is par for the course, for I am, after all....human.
Intuition and Conditioning- A Balance
In an episode of the 90’s tv sitcom “Mad About You”, the main characters, Jamie and Paul Buchman, are trying to get their infant daughter to go to and stay asleep. The whole episode, one of the more clever ones on tv I might add, is one continuous shot, 22 minutes of these parents sitting outside their baby’s room as baby cries herself to sleep. As they sit at door’s edge bored and torn between going in to comfort their baby, and timing to see how long the baby can go before a behavioral “intervention” is needed, they manage to find an old piece of candy, ponder life’s deeper meanings, and argue over trivial (although hilarious) matters. The thing that struck me most about this episode once I became a mother myself was how hard Jamie fought against her mother’s intuition to go in and comfort her baby. She toiled painfully against doing what came naturally to do for her baby, all for the reward of having a peaceful night’s (or life’s) sleep. In the end, their particular type of behavior management wins out and exhausted, they celebrate their victory together. I still ponder that episode and wonder if the writers were commenting on the parenting trends of that day.
I can really identify with the desperation in the characters of that show. Some babies come into the world with a temperament that is easy going and flexible. That is not our baby. On the morning of July 5¸2007, Benjamin Aviel, who was still breech, kicked me and my water broke. Six weeks early! From the start, he seemed to be screaming, “World, ready or not, here I come!” That being said, it’s not that he is always boisterous and outgoing. In fact, he is carefully observant of people. But he is a very determined individual. He had to be (and in fact, while he was still in the womb I prayed he would be so!). Turns out this trait was necessary in order to survive his first 2 weeks and 2 days in a hard ICU box, with health officials poking him with needles and forcing tubes down his throat, rather than cuddling on Mommy and Daddy’s warm chest where newborns belong. And having a high needs baby has meant that I often don’t get enough sleep, or even get enough time to talk on the phone or to take a shower! So I know that parenting is the single most difficult challenge anyone could ever face. And I know I have my share of mistakes to make in the future.
But something tells me that if I am responding in a nurturing way to my baby and my baby were in distress, I think I would side with my gut feeling, despite what the "steps" were for whatever the particular goal was for modifying a child's behavior. These are the things I think about these days as Benjamin is learnig new skills and abilities. But I have to remember that these new skills are still in their aquisition phase of learning...he has not mastered them yet. And there is still a vast amount of growing his brain has to do to in order to master what he has learned and fully understand. This is a humbling prospect, especially since something that I so desire, such as a good night's sleep, must be put off for the time being.
Sure, I could put Benjamin on a sleep training schedule tomorrow and go through the 2 weeks the experts say it would take to have him sleep through the night. But at what cost? I consider that he is teething and needs extra comforting during the night, for he might be in pain. Teething wreaks havoc on many other parts of baby than just their gums. If I were to let him cry it out for a few nights all in the name of getting him to be able to sleep like an adult, I run the risk of him becoming mistrustful for not having his mommy whom he really needs during this important developmental phase.
No, for the meantime, we do the proactive things we can do knowing that we can create a nightime routine that relaxes him and sets him up for sleep: activities such as a bath, a story, and nursing time. We know he will sleep peacefully if healthy attitudes toward sleep and trust toward his parents has been fostered. As for the trial of finding the elusive full night's sleep: This too shall pass.
Some sleep trainers, however, have tried to tell my via their teachings, that to not get my child on a schedule NOW, we will run the risk of having an overdependant child and a child who will wake up needing mommy until he's 30! So it would seem to me that the underlying motus operandi in this case is fear. But doesn't the Bible teach to fear not?
Along with prayer and guidance from the Lord for our individual circumstance as a family, we find that most parenting teachings come secondary and I hesitate to subscribe to teachings that use fear and a rigid set of rules as its basis, rather than incorporating a parent's intuition and a child's individual needs. When we don't take into consideration the sensibilites and intracacies of a relationship, a program can backfire and we will have lost the opportunity to help a little person to be all God has called them to be. After all...Rules minus Relationship equals Rebellion.
I often think of that episode of Mad About You and wonder how the relationship grew with their daughter. Did trust have to be rebuilt in later stages of development, or was the child easy-going enough to be able to "roll with the punches" of their particular intervention? (I know children are supposed to be pretty resilient, but how much of what we expect of them is TOO MUCH?) Then I think about Benjamin and how he is a real boy, not fictional, who came into the world with particular needs and particular sensitivities and how one day I will stand accountable before a Holy God for how I loved and took care of him. Did I respond with sensitivity and compassion as well as a balanced discipline informed by my conscience? Did I accept counsel from those who have studied aspects of child development for which incorporates conditioning and psychological principles? Or did I seek to strike a balance between the two, sifting through the information for myself, rejecting what is outright false and harmful, humbling myself when making a mistake in judgement, and above all, using time honored wisdom and prudence? I suppose only time will tell. In the meantime, I pray, listen, and in regards to finding my (our) own particular parenting style, I try to remember the words of my husband who so aptly put it: try not to go too far to the left nor too far to the right.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
John Adams
For the past several nights now, HBO has brought back their series "John Adams" based on the work of historian David MCollough and produced by Tom Hanks. It ran about a month and a half ago, with 5 or 6 eposodes in all, each one depicting hallmarks in the founding father's life, protrayed exquisitely by Paul Giamatti.
I know it seems uncanny, but the premiere and the encore of this series has coincided with some developmental milestones in my son's life and at the end of a long, challenging day as a hands-on mother, I relish my time with the founding father and his wife Abigail.
The baby's eyes close heavily for the last time and I sneak down to the kitchen, get a piece of my sugarless chocolate candy bar and a glass of organic fat-free milk, and settle my weary self in front of the tube for an hour and 15 minutes or so and see the drama unfold of our infant nation and the men (and woman) who gave of their lives for the dream of establishing freedom for their children and their children's children...in other words, for you and me.
The acting is superior, the suspense captivating, and the dialogue profound. Laura Linney, who plays Abigail Adams, the strong, rational, and yet emotional woman is the backbone of her husband and portrays this heroine with compassion and realism unmatched by any other leading lady on tv today. I gain strength from her composure and comfort from her weaknesses. She knows how to die daily. I see these characters go through unimaginable trials when the everyday freedoms and creature comforts we enjoy in the 21st century were unheard of.
Perhaps I can deal with one more poopie diaper!
I know it seems uncanny, but the premiere and the encore of this series has coincided with some developmental milestones in my son's life and at the end of a long, challenging day as a hands-on mother, I relish my time with the founding father and his wife Abigail.
The baby's eyes close heavily for the last time and I sneak down to the kitchen, get a piece of my sugarless chocolate candy bar and a glass of organic fat-free milk, and settle my weary self in front of the tube for an hour and 15 minutes or so and see the drama unfold of our infant nation and the men (and woman) who gave of their lives for the dream of establishing freedom for their children and their children's children...in other words, for you and me.
The acting is superior, the suspense captivating, and the dialogue profound. Laura Linney, who plays Abigail Adams, the strong, rational, and yet emotional woman is the backbone of her husband and portrays this heroine with compassion and realism unmatched by any other leading lady on tv today. I gain strength from her composure and comfort from her weaknesses. She knows how to die daily. I see these characters go through unimaginable trials when the everyday freedoms and creature comforts we enjoy in the 21st century were unheard of.
Perhaps I can deal with one more poopie diaper!
Monday, June 2, 2008
A Word to the "Wise" Part 1
I have written in past blogs regarding the importance of determining a style of parenting that is comensurate with the child's needs as well as the values and goals of the parents for their children. I have discussed the need for the child to be well-acquainted with wholeness (shalom)-a word for peace meaning nothing missing, nothing broken. There is a style of parenting that gets a lot of attention that seems diametrically opposed (at least in theory) to the shalom concept in parenting. I wish to discuss that method in today's blog, and make it part 1. As you will see, the surprising proponents of such teaching are churches, but I have recently learned that Babies R Us, at least the Modesto location, has been stocking these books in their infant care section. When I complained that there were no books with different teachings to balance the selection, I was told they have no control over their inventory, as they go through a book distributor.
They’re Teaching What in Church?
There has been a popular trend in parenting since the mid-1990’s regarding getting your infant on a sleeping schedule. The most popular of such books is "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo. Ezzo’s teaching started as a parenting ministry under the auspices of well known pastor and conference speaker John MacArthur. Though he has written books and held parenting conferences, Ezzo does not hold a degree related to nor have any training in child development. Later after he and his wife were asked to leave MacArthur’s church due to an unwillingness to make changes or be accountable for his teachings, he wrote books for secular audiences and self-published. Despite all that, many churches today continue to teach his classes such as “Preparation for Parenting” to new parents seeking advice.
The premise of Ezzo’s sleep training method is if the baby is independent in sleeping through the night, parents get more sleep and (supposedly), parents will be happier and babies will be in submission to their parents, a biblical principle. The problem is, is that in order to “teach” your infant to get on a schedule, his teaching encourages the “cry-it-out” method-letting the infant cry until he or she gives up or perhaps “learns” how to sleep on his or her own without any external comforting from mom or dad. Although the information is presented as authoritative by the self-proclaimed child experts, the Ezzos’ techniques are extremely dangerous and have been decried by such medical establishments as The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), the La Leche League International (LLLI) , and most human lactation consultants.
The reasons this method should be discouraged are many. The main reason is for the child’s safety: if the baby cries at night, there is sometimes an underlying medical issue which would go undetected if parents did not respond to such cries. Also, in order for successful breastfeeding to continue, the infant must be able to feed “on demand”, thus keeping up the milk supply based on supply and demand. Some of this sounds like common sense, doesn’t it? Then why are vast numbers of churches opening wide their doors to teaching their congregants this restraint parenting technique?
I understand pastors see the need to give parents the tools they need in order to raise kids in this difficult, uncertain world. And there are some points that Ezzo makes that are good, sound advice that you can get in almost any parenting book. Some of his precepts are even biblical. But many are not and his methods are questionable at best. For instance, his strategy is to describe the nightmare child and lead the reader to believe that it is because the parents chose techniques other than his steps to parenting that the kids are brats and the parents have not dispensed their God-given duty. (note: my husband and I read about his so-called ‘high chair violations’ in which the child throws things to the floor from the chair and is punished- we could hardly stop laughing at this ridiculous notion, that is, until the sad realization set in that there are actually children out there who are the recipients of this kind of parenting).
The fact is that parenting is much more dynamic than a list of “steps” to follow and parents shouldn’t be made to feel guilty if they have not religiously followed a strict set of rules. Also, the fruit of his methods have shown to create divisiveness between family and church members because he paints an “us-them” mentality to opposing methods of parenting. This alienates some parents and brings division amongst Christians, something the Apostle Paul warned against in the Bible- splitting off into factions over extraneous doctrines. Therefore, that is why I say to wholly embrace such a teaching without critically examining it and holding it up to one’s own values and goals of parenting, as well as to principles in scripture, is wholly “unwise”.
Why do babies wake frequently to begin with? After all, it can make the lives of parents sometimes unbearable with the ensuing lack of sleep, concentration, and missed hours of productive work. The answer is manifold. Babies have small stomachs and wake frequently because their stomachs empty out quickly and they are hungry. According to the AAP, newborns biologically require to be fed every 2-3 hours. Ezzo teaches to wait to feed the infant until 3 or 4 hours have passed. Also, babies do not always come into the world with their bio-rhythms in sync with those of adults. They need to adjust to sleeping when it is dark and being awake when it is light.
Additionally, newborns are not used to the world outside of the womb- this takes time. They need to be held and cuddled often in order to feel safe and loved. Babies’ cries are their only way to communicate their needs. Contrary to most restraint parenting teachings, infants are not crying in order to manipulate parents. Newborns do not have the cognitive ability for such sophisticated behavior. They learn this in later stages of development when their brains can establish cause and effect relationships. Thus to infants, every want is a need and should be responded to as such. The ability to teach delayed gratification can be accomplished when the child is older when developmentally he is ready to learn it. Irreversible damage can be done if he is made to wait at too early an age.
Also, as parents respond consistently to their babies’ cries and thus get their needs met, it teaches their babies better communication. For instance, when my son Benjamin was born, every need he had registered as a “10” on the panic-cry scale. Danny and I watched him learn that as his attempts at communication (crying) would get his needs met, soon he no longer needed to put forth a great deal of energy into crying, but could rather vary the intensity of his cries. This much-needed energy that he saved could then be used toward his growth and development. This was extremely important for a preemie who needs all the energy he can muster for growing and catching up!
And finally, one of the most important aspects of parenting, trust-bonding, could be disrupted or even destroyed if this very fundamental relationship is not nurtured through consistently responding to baby’s needs. If babies learn that they cannot trust their primary caregivers, they often turn inward, lose confidence in their own ability to communicate their needs, and this lack of trust can affect every subsequent relationship in their lives. Outwardly, after a steady diet of restraint-parenting techniques, it may look like your baby is “mellowing out” or is being a “good baby”, maybe even sleeping through the night, but they may in fact be in a sort of depression. Not to mention their personality and even their very basic sense of morality- their ability for learning right from wrong- is being affected… and not for the better.
Just who does this teaching benefit, anyway? On the surface, it appears to benefit the parent; at least in the short term. Mom and dad consistently get a good night’s sleep, baby is docile, agreeable, parents remain in control, and life can continue on as normal for the parents. I say it benefits parents in the short term because I believe that when babies learn a fundamental lack of trust in adults, they are much more difficult to discipline as toddlers, children, and especially teenagers. There are even childhood emotional disorders that can result from not bonding properly to mom and dad. I know this to be true because I have worked with such children in the past.
Furthermore, if the goal of the Church in parenting is to foster a trust in God in their children, this must first be initiated in the parent-infant relationship through consistently responding in a nurturing manner to babies' needs. Thus, restraint parenting teachers (such as Ezzo), can be likened to wolves in sheep’s clothing, who have done well to see to it that that goal will not be met.
They’re Teaching What in Church?
There has been a popular trend in parenting since the mid-1990’s regarding getting your infant on a sleeping schedule. The most popular of such books is "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo. Ezzo’s teaching started as a parenting ministry under the auspices of well known pastor and conference speaker John MacArthur. Though he has written books and held parenting conferences, Ezzo does not hold a degree related to nor have any training in child development. Later after he and his wife were asked to leave MacArthur’s church due to an unwillingness to make changes or be accountable for his teachings, he wrote books for secular audiences and self-published. Despite all that, many churches today continue to teach his classes such as “Preparation for Parenting” to new parents seeking advice.
The premise of Ezzo’s sleep training method is if the baby is independent in sleeping through the night, parents get more sleep and (supposedly), parents will be happier and babies will be in submission to their parents, a biblical principle. The problem is, is that in order to “teach” your infant to get on a schedule, his teaching encourages the “cry-it-out” method-letting the infant cry until he or she gives up or perhaps “learns” how to sleep on his or her own without any external comforting from mom or dad. Although the information is presented as authoritative by the self-proclaimed child experts, the Ezzos’ techniques are extremely dangerous and have been decried by such medical establishments as The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), the La Leche League International (LLLI) , and most human lactation consultants.
The reasons this method should be discouraged are many. The main reason is for the child’s safety: if the baby cries at night, there is sometimes an underlying medical issue which would go undetected if parents did not respond to such cries. Also, in order for successful breastfeeding to continue, the infant must be able to feed “on demand”, thus keeping up the milk supply based on supply and demand. Some of this sounds like common sense, doesn’t it? Then why are vast numbers of churches opening wide their doors to teaching their congregants this restraint parenting technique?
I understand pastors see the need to give parents the tools they need in order to raise kids in this difficult, uncertain world. And there are some points that Ezzo makes that are good, sound advice that you can get in almost any parenting book. Some of his precepts are even biblical. But many are not and his methods are questionable at best. For instance, his strategy is to describe the nightmare child and lead the reader to believe that it is because the parents chose techniques other than his steps to parenting that the kids are brats and the parents have not dispensed their God-given duty. (note: my husband and I read about his so-called ‘high chair violations’ in which the child throws things to the floor from the chair and is punished- we could hardly stop laughing at this ridiculous notion, that is, until the sad realization set in that there are actually children out there who are the recipients of this kind of parenting).
The fact is that parenting is much more dynamic than a list of “steps” to follow and parents shouldn’t be made to feel guilty if they have not religiously followed a strict set of rules. Also, the fruit of his methods have shown to create divisiveness between family and church members because he paints an “us-them” mentality to opposing methods of parenting. This alienates some parents and brings division amongst Christians, something the Apostle Paul warned against in the Bible- splitting off into factions over extraneous doctrines. Therefore, that is why I say to wholly embrace such a teaching without critically examining it and holding it up to one’s own values and goals of parenting, as well as to principles in scripture, is wholly “unwise”.
Why do babies wake frequently to begin with? After all, it can make the lives of parents sometimes unbearable with the ensuing lack of sleep, concentration, and missed hours of productive work. The answer is manifold. Babies have small stomachs and wake frequently because their stomachs empty out quickly and they are hungry. According to the AAP, newborns biologically require to be fed every 2-3 hours. Ezzo teaches to wait to feed the infant until 3 or 4 hours have passed. Also, babies do not always come into the world with their bio-rhythms in sync with those of adults. They need to adjust to sleeping when it is dark and being awake when it is light.
Additionally, newborns are not used to the world outside of the womb- this takes time. They need to be held and cuddled often in order to feel safe and loved. Babies’ cries are their only way to communicate their needs. Contrary to most restraint parenting teachings, infants are not crying in order to manipulate parents. Newborns do not have the cognitive ability for such sophisticated behavior. They learn this in later stages of development when their brains can establish cause and effect relationships. Thus to infants, every want is a need and should be responded to as such. The ability to teach delayed gratification can be accomplished when the child is older when developmentally he is ready to learn it. Irreversible damage can be done if he is made to wait at too early an age.
Also, as parents respond consistently to their babies’ cries and thus get their needs met, it teaches their babies better communication. For instance, when my son Benjamin was born, every need he had registered as a “10” on the panic-cry scale. Danny and I watched him learn that as his attempts at communication (crying) would get his needs met, soon he no longer needed to put forth a great deal of energy into crying, but could rather vary the intensity of his cries. This much-needed energy that he saved could then be used toward his growth and development. This was extremely important for a preemie who needs all the energy he can muster for growing and catching up!
And finally, one of the most important aspects of parenting, trust-bonding, could be disrupted or even destroyed if this very fundamental relationship is not nurtured through consistently responding to baby’s needs. If babies learn that they cannot trust their primary caregivers, they often turn inward, lose confidence in their own ability to communicate their needs, and this lack of trust can affect every subsequent relationship in their lives. Outwardly, after a steady diet of restraint-parenting techniques, it may look like your baby is “mellowing out” or is being a “good baby”, maybe even sleeping through the night, but they may in fact be in a sort of depression. Not to mention their personality and even their very basic sense of morality- their ability for learning right from wrong- is being affected… and not for the better.
Just who does this teaching benefit, anyway? On the surface, it appears to benefit the parent; at least in the short term. Mom and dad consistently get a good night’s sleep, baby is docile, agreeable, parents remain in control, and life can continue on as normal for the parents. I say it benefits parents in the short term because I believe that when babies learn a fundamental lack of trust in adults, they are much more difficult to discipline as toddlers, children, and especially teenagers. There are even childhood emotional disorders that can result from not bonding properly to mom and dad. I know this to be true because I have worked with such children in the past.
Furthermore, if the goal of the Church in parenting is to foster a trust in God in their children, this must first be initiated in the parent-infant relationship through consistently responding in a nurturing manner to babies' needs. Thus, restraint parenting teachers (such as Ezzo), can be likened to wolves in sheep’s clothing, who have done well to see to it that that goal will not be met.
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