A Word to the "Wise" Part 1

I have written in past blogs regarding the importance of determining a style of parenting that is comensurate with the child's needs as well as the values and goals of the parents for their children. I have discussed the need for the child to be well-acquainted with wholeness (shalom)-a word for peace meaning nothing missing, nothing broken. There is a style of parenting that gets a lot of attention that seems diametrically opposed (at least in theory) to the shalom concept in parenting. I wish to discuss that method in today's blog, and make it part 1. As you will see, the surprising proponents of such teaching are churches, but I have recently learned that Babies R Us, at least the Modesto location, has been stocking these books in their infant care section. When I complained that there were no books with different teachings to balance the selection, I was told they have no control over their inventory, as they go through a book distributor.

They’re Teaching What in Church?

There has been a popular trend in parenting since the mid-1990’s regarding getting your infant on a sleeping schedule. The most popular of such books is "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo. Ezzo’s teaching started as a parenting ministry under the auspices of well known pastor and conference speaker John MacArthur. Though he has written books and held parenting conferences, Ezzo does not hold a degree related to nor have any training in child development. Later after he and his wife were asked to leave MacArthur’s church due to an unwillingness to make changes or be accountable for his teachings, he wrote books for secular audiences and self-published. Despite all that, many churches today continue to teach his classes such as “Preparation for Parenting” to new parents seeking advice.

The premise of Ezzo’s sleep training method is if the baby is independent in sleeping through the night, parents get more sleep and (supposedly), parents will be happier and babies will be in submission to their parents, a biblical principle. The problem is, is that in order to “teach” your infant to get on a schedule, his teaching encourages the “cry-it-out” method-letting the infant cry until he or she gives up or perhaps “learns” how to sleep on his or her own without any external comforting from mom or dad. Although the information is presented as authoritative by the self-proclaimed child experts, the Ezzos’ techniques are extremely dangerous and have been decried by such medical establishments as The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), the La Leche League International (LLLI) , and most human lactation consultants.

The reasons this method should be discouraged are many. The main reason is for the child’s safety: if the baby cries at night, there is sometimes an underlying medical issue which would go undetected if parents did not respond to such cries. Also, in order for successful breastfeeding to continue, the infant must be able to feed “on demand”, thus keeping up the milk supply based on supply and demand. Some of this sounds like common sense, doesn’t it? Then why are vast numbers of churches opening wide their doors to teaching their congregants this restraint parenting technique?

I understand pastors see the need to give parents the tools they need in order to raise kids in this difficult, uncertain world. And there are some points that Ezzo makes that are good, sound advice that you can get in almost any parenting book. Some of his precepts are even biblical. But many are not and his methods are questionable at best. For instance, his strategy is to describe the nightmare child and lead the reader to believe that it is because the parents chose techniques other than his steps to parenting that the kids are brats and the parents have not dispensed their God-given duty. (note: my husband and I read about his so-called ‘high chair violations’ in which the child throws things to the floor from the chair and is punished- we could hardly stop laughing at this ridiculous notion, that is, until the sad realization set in that there are actually children out there who are the recipients of this kind of parenting).

The fact is that parenting is much more dynamic than a list of “steps” to follow and parents shouldn’t be made to feel guilty if they have not religiously followed a strict set of rules. Also, the fruit of his methods have shown to create divisiveness between family and church members because he paints an “us-them” mentality to opposing methods of parenting. This alienates some parents and brings division amongst Christians, something the Apostle Paul warned against in the Bible- splitting off into factions over extraneous doctrines. Therefore, that is why I say to wholly embrace such a teaching without critically examining it and holding it up to one’s own values and goals of parenting, as well as to principles in scripture, is wholly “unwise”.

Why do babies wake frequently to begin with? After all, it can make the lives of parents sometimes unbearable with the ensuing lack of sleep, concentration, and missed hours of productive work. The answer is manifold. Babies have small stomachs and wake frequently because their stomachs empty out quickly and they are hungry. According to the AAP, newborns biologically require to be fed every 2-3 hours. Ezzo teaches to wait to feed the infant until 3 or 4 hours have passed. Also, babies do not always come into the world with their bio-rhythms in sync with those of adults. They need to adjust to sleeping when it is dark and being awake when it is light.

Additionally, newborns are not used to the world outside of the womb- this takes time. They need to be held and cuddled often in order to feel safe and loved. Babies’ cries are their only way to communicate their needs. Contrary to most restraint parenting teachings, infants are not crying in order to manipulate parents. Newborns do not have the cognitive ability for such sophisticated behavior. They learn this in later stages of development when their brains can establish cause and effect relationships. Thus to infants, every want is a need and should be responded to as such. The ability to teach delayed gratification can be accomplished when the child is older when developmentally he is ready to learn it. Irreversible damage can be done if he is made to wait at too early an age.

Also, as parents respond consistently to their babies’ cries and thus get their needs met, it teaches their babies better communication. For instance, when my son Benjamin was born, every need he had registered as a “10” on the panic-cry scale. Danny and I watched him learn that as his attempts at communication (crying) would get his needs met, soon he no longer needed to put forth a great deal of energy into crying, but could rather vary the intensity of his cries. This much-needed energy that he saved could then be used toward his growth and development. This was extremely important for a preemie who needs all the energy he can muster for growing and catching up!

And finally, one of the most important aspects of parenting, trust-bonding, could be disrupted or even destroyed if this very fundamental relationship is not nurtured through consistently responding to baby’s needs. If babies learn that they cannot trust their primary caregivers, they often turn inward, lose confidence in their own ability to communicate their needs, and this lack of trust can affect every subsequent relationship in their lives. Outwardly, after a steady diet of restraint-parenting techniques, it may look like your baby is “mellowing out” or is being a “good baby”, maybe even sleeping through the night, but they may in fact be in a sort of depression. Not to mention their personality and even their very basic sense of morality- their ability for learning right from wrong- is being affected… and not for the better.

Just who does this teaching benefit, anyway? On the surface, it appears to benefit the parent; at least in the short term. Mom and dad consistently get a good night’s sleep, baby is docile, agreeable, parents remain in control, and life can continue on as normal for the parents. I say it benefits parents in the short term because I believe that when babies learn a fundamental lack of trust in adults, they are much more difficult to discipline as toddlers, children, and especially teenagers. There are even childhood emotional disorders that can result from not bonding properly to mom and dad. I know this to be true because I have worked with such children in the past.

Furthermore, if the goal of the Church in parenting is to foster a trust in God in their children, this must first be initiated in the parent-infant relationship through consistently responding in a nurturing manner to babies' needs. Thus, restraint parenting teachers (such as Ezzo), can be likened to wolves in sheep’s clothing, who have done well to see to it that that goal will not be met.